Sunday, December 27, 2009

2009 in review--my job

at work, it was a legislative session year, my 3rd session in this job. i stayed busy the whole time, january through may, unlike previous sessions. in addition to publishing various versions of the budget as it wound its way through the legislative process, we tested new features for our software apps. i accumulated over 100 hours of comp time, a record for me.


i stayed healthy in my body during the session, because i made it a priority. yoga is my practice. i also meditated often. i became aware sooner when i began to hold stress in my body and consciously released it. this practice helped me maintain equanimity in an environment in which everyone around me was stressed and kept me feeling compassion for all. (although sometimes when i saw someone extremely stressed, i thought, "why don't you do yoga or sit in silence for a few minutes?," knowing that my question would NOT be well received).

i am the person at my agency who coordinates with eleanor harris, our massage therapist. eleanor came twice a week during session, and once a week after. i send out the massage emails and put out the sign-up sheets. people can sign up for as few as 10 minutes and as many as 30. eleanor got a lot of work during the session. she noticed aloud to me one day that when people's muscles are tight, they don't feel as much.

two people at my agency died during the session. one had a stroke and died a week later. the other had a heart attack in her sleep.

this is the first time any active employee has died in my place of work. it was very distressing to everyone. in a way, though, it brought us together in tender compassion for ourselves and the families of those who died.

i have come to consider that this job isn't just publishing the state budget, writing software instructions, etc., serving the state of texas by making its budget publicly available and thus preventing the kind of major government corruption often seen elsewhere in the world.

this job is just as much about managing stress. but they don't tell you that when you interview. you have to read between the lines.

we're lucky to have an aware and compassionate executive director who asked eleanor to offer massage at work in the first place and who weekly comes to one of her yoga classes. the agency also now has a wellness program, complete with an exercise room equipped with a stationary bicycle, treadmill, elliptical machine, VCR and workout videos, exercise balls, and small weights. and there are walking and stair-climbing groups to join as well as 3 yoga classes, salsa classes, and so forth available at lunchtime.

i notice that some people get massage, and some don't. some exercise, and some don't. it is truly up to the individual to figure out that part of their job is managing stress and then figure out what to do about it. we don't really get much education about stress--it's (pardon the pun) on-the-job training.

if i were the queen of the universe, i would bring stress out of the closet at work. i would bring in someone who could teach what is known about stress and the effects on the body, short-term and long-term, and how to differentiate between positive stress--the kind that challenges you to learn something new, do something better--and negative stress--the kind that diminishes performance.

i would give each person sessions with a personal coach so that they could become aware of stress in their bodies and find healthy strategies for relieving it, instead of overeating or eating junk food, drinking, or being unhappy all the time.

i'm not the queen of the universe, but at least i can have my say on this blog.

2009 blog posts

i look at my postings for 2009. started off strong in january and february, but since then, i've posted 2-5 times per month. i have not been a very good blogger in 2009.


part of that is my crazy job. i work at a texas state legislative agency, and when the legislature is in session (jan-may of odd-numbered years), it gets crazy, with periods of high pressure and overtime and being around a lot of people who are also stressed. it throws me off balance.

to cope, i hunker down with the goal of maintaining as much equanimity and compassion as i can. i listen to my bodymind and its needs for rest, relaxation, solitude, upliftment, renewal, funny movies, in my time off work. i can't make plans due to the unpredictable nature of the session's demands, so i tend to be more socially isolated during sessions. and i neglect my blog.

after sessions, it takes awhile to feel rebalanced. i'm not sure how long, actually. months. at least all summer for sure.

the other part of not being a very good blogger in 2009 is that i haven't really had a focus. i've just posted what i like and want to share, cottoning to the whole idea of blogging for selfish motives. if i post my favorite poems, interesting articles, dreams, and so forth, then i can find them again easily on my own blog. if post something that you, the reader, connect with, yay! and if you read my blog over time, you might get a sense of what i value and therefore a sense of me. hi there!

however, i myself tend not to look back, except at the end of the year, which is a relatively new habit in my 56 spins around the sun. i've realized that writing on my blog or in my journal or taking notes at a lecture or workshop is actually a way of putting a kinesthetic anchor on an experience, since writing is a physical act. (by the way, my journal is totally longhand.) it helps me know that "i like this" and can find it again if i wish to do so. i rarely look back at what i've written, except for practical reasons--to find phone numbers, email addresses, the name of a book or poem... besides that, the other motivation for blogging is feeling the satisfaction of sharing something that in my opinion is just wonderful. my tastes are often not mainstream, my joys are often experiences stumbled upon, the people who came up with these jewels in the first place are often vastly underappreciated.

so what is a blog good for? i'd say, reaching people with a common interest, sharing what's going on with those i know and don't have a chance to catch up with, serving as sort of a mirror (hazy at best) of my life. but i haven't really had a goal, like julie powell did in her blog, julie and julia, where she spent a year cooking her way through mastering the art of french cooking, now a major motion picture starring the goddess meryl streep!

in 2009, according to the monthly blog analytics statements i signed up for, the most blog visits i received was 126, and the least was 74. that's respectable and heartening to know. and...are you ready for it?...the months with the most visits were the months with the most posts. that's very clear! post often, and more people find and read you.

there's a bunch of other data like page views, pages viewed per visit, "bounce rate" (whatever that is), minutes spent viewing, and new visitors. but the above correlation is the one that counts.

soon this blog will change. it will have a focus in 2010. i intend to post as close to daily as i can. and i will still post the great poems and interesting articles i come across. stay tuned.

hongzhi quote

peg syverson, resident teacher at the appamada zendo, sent this quote from hongzhi last week. (i don't know who hongzhi is, male or female, probably chinese, but i have begun an association with the zendo, and signed up for a course on the diamond sutra with flint sparks, the other resident teacher at appamada, so eventually i will probably learn more about hongzhi.)


i found these words encouraging. although i have been meditating for 3-4 years now, i just now have made a commitment to sit in silent stillness daily (no matter what!) and to work with a teacher (peg).

The practice of true reality is simply to sit serenely in silent introspection. When you have fathomed this you cannot be turned around by external causes and conditions. This empty, wide open mind is subtly and correctly illuminating. Spacious and content, without confusion from inner thoughts of grasping, effectively overcome habitual behavior and realize the self that is not possessed by emotions. You must be broad-minded, whole without relying on others. Such upright independent spirit can begin not to pursue degrading situations. Here you can rest and become clean, pure, and lucid. Bright and penetrating, you can immediately return, accord, and respond to deal with events. Everything is unhindered, clouds gracefully floating up to the peaks, the moonlight glitteringly flowing down mountain streams. The entire place is brightly illuminated and spiritually transformed, totally unobstructed and clearly manifesting responsive interaction like box and lid or arrow points [meeting]. Continuing, cultivate and nourish yourself to enact maturity and achieve stability.

Friday, December 25, 2009

if enlightenment is the desired outcome

then the resource is awareness.


the intent is presence.

the strategy is commitment to daily sitting.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

i love this poem by joy harjo, a map to the next world

maps have become my territory, and i'm adding this poem to my map collection.

thank you, joy harjo, for writing this, and thank you, joe riley, for panhala.net.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

poem: Straight Talk from Fox, by Mary Oliver

mary oliver shape-shifted into a fox, hung out for awhile, and then she shape-shifted back into human form and wrote this poem. enjoy!

here's the link (with great photo!) if it doesn't come through: http://www.panhala.net/Archive/Straight_Talk_From_Fox.html

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

poem: Can You Imagine? by Mary Oliver

Can You Imagine?

For example, what the trees do
not only in lightening storms
or the watery dark of a summer's night
or under the white nets of winter
but now, and now, and now - whenever
we're not looking. Surely you can't imagine
they don't dance, from the root up, wishing
to travel a little, not cramped so much as wanting
a better view, or more sun, or just as avidly
more shade - surely you can't imagine they just
stand there loving every
minute of it, the birds or the emptiness, the dark rings
of the years slowly and without a sound
thickening, and nothing different unless the wind,
and then only in its own mood, comes
to visit, surely you can't imagine
patience, and happiness, like that.

~ Mary Oliver ~


(Long Life)

Monday, September 28, 2009

local giving

Before I got involved with Truth Be Told, my charitable giving was erratic. A few dollars here and there, all of course to great organizations doing good work, such as Sierra Club, NRDC, Planned Parenthood, and so on.

Since I first attended a Truth Be Told fundraiser 5 years ago, I have become a regular donor to TBT, giving monthly from my paycheck.

I like getting the statement each January of what I donated the previous years, which I use in filing my taxes. It adds up.

But what really makes me feel great is giving locally. My money stays in the community. Truth Be Told has one paid position, that of executive director, and it's a part-time position. All of the facilitators and facilitator trainees donate their time. The website and newsletter are maintained by volunteers. A volunteer coach works with the ED and founders as a labor of love. A volunteer provided the wonderful logo, and others have volunteered their services such as strategic planning.

My money goes to pay for the ED' salary, gas for their travel to the Lockhart prison and the Travis County State Jail, materials such as journals and pens for the inmates to use in the classes, postage, a phone line, P.O. box, graduation certificates, and so on. All these expenses add up, and I'm glad I can make a difference.

Best of all is that I get to meet the women who have graduated from Truth Be Told's classes at graduations in Lockhart (just went to my fourth last Friday), and those who have been released from prison who stay connected.

Each month TBT invites people to attend a talk, Behind and Beyond Bars, about their work, and a released graduate usually comes. Next one is this Tuesday--see their website (www.truth-be-told.org) for time and location.

And quite a few graduates will be attending the luncheon on October 7, sharing their stories of what TBT has meant to them. Some will use their gifts to perform. For them, TBT was a lifeline. And others will be on a video of a graduation that will be shown.

I hope you will consider attending.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Truth Be Told, part 3

As I mentioned in part 1, I fell in love with local nonprofit Truth Be Told when I attended a graduation of incarcerated women telling their stories in the Lockhart prison. In part 2, I wrote about how I volunteered and served on the board of directors for a couple of years and helped the organization gain stability and traction as a nonprofit.

Now I am listing several upcoming opportunities that Truth Be Told is offering--ways to witness the work, ask questions and learn more, and offer your support.

1. If you are interested in attending a graduation at the Lockhart prison, there are 4 openings left as of right now for the graduation on Friday, September 25. These 4 spots will go quickly. (I'll be there!) TDCJ limits attendance to 20 people. This is for graduates of Truth Be Told's entry-level classes.

If you are interested in attending, please email shannon_holtzendorf@yahoo.com or call 670-5354 ASAP!

If September 25 won't work, another graduation is scheduled for Friday, November 20. There are only 4 opportunities to attend a graduation per year. (Also, just letting you know, TDCJ requires your DL# and SS#. I haven't heard of any problems with sharing this data with TBT and TDCJ--it should be safe.)

2. An informational meeting, Behind and Beyond Bars, is scheduled for Wednesday, September 30. This is from 6-7 pm. You can meet founders, teachers, key players, including a graduate, and ask questions. I will post location info when I get it. Anyone can attend; RSVPs appreciated--email office@truth-be-told.org or call Shannon at 670-5354.

If you plan to go to the graduation or the fundraiser, attending this is recommended, because you may not have a chance at the more structured events to get to know the people involved and ask questions.

3. Truth Be Told's annual fundraiser luncheon, Light of a New Day, is scheduled for Wednesday, October 7, 12-1, at the Region XII Education Service Center, 5701 Springdale Road. This is definitely an RSVP event; if you are interested, please RSVP to me, and you can join me at my table!

This is a free luncheon. You will be asked to consider making a contribution, but it is not required and there's no minimum or maximum gift--Truth Be Told's job is to inspire you to want to give! You'll hear from the founders, graduates, board members, be entertained and moved, meet new people, watch a video from a graduation, and you WILL be inspired!

I'd love to see you there! You may bring friends and family, anyone you think would be interested--and we do need a head count, so RSVP for them too please.


I consider this one of the most worthwhile groups to which I am connected. It's local and therefore personal. TBT has a great and positive impact on the lives of incarcerated women behind and beyond bars, and that ripples out into the community and into the future, literally making the world a better place. I'd be honored to have you join me with you support in any way you are able.

Website: http://www.truth-be-told.org/

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Truth Be Told, part 2

The ceremony made a deep impression because it seemed to me that what they were doing was REAL work, meaningful work, work that really mattered, that made a difference in the lives of the incarcerated women with whom they worked, giving them an opportunity and the social and emotional support to examine and change the direction of their lives. And THAT would then ripple out to their families, their communities, and the world.

Changing the world, one small group of incarcerated women at a time.

This was my understanding after I attended a graduation in the Lockhart prison of women who had completed Truth Be Told's beginning classes. It moved me so much, I was on fire to become part of Truth Be Told.

Continuing from part 1 of this post (on FB, go to my wall and view earlier notes to find it--I sent it Aug. 20).

I could relate to the imprisoned women. Who among us has not wondered how we got into some less-than-lovely circumstance? Who has not encountered a prison of their own making, even if it didn't have bars? Who has not yearned for the support and courage and guidance to really change their lives for the better? Who has not made mistakes?

So I volunteered. Since I worked days and the prison classes were on workdays, I found another way to participate. I was a liaison between Story Circle Network (women's writing circles) and the Truth Be Told students who wished to submit their stories to Story Circle Network's publications.

And while doing this, I noticed that organizationally, Truth Be Told was having growing pains. Started by three women who volunteered in the prison, the demand for their classes was surging. The warden had asked them to start another program for inmates who were nearing release, called Short-Timing. Many people who had attended a graduation or otherwise learned about their work wanted to help, and this up took a lot of their time.

Truth Be Told had gotten 501(3)c nonprofit status around the time I got connected, but it was mostly a piece of paper and a promise. Organizationally it was shaky. There was a board of directors, but no clear shared vision, just a consensus that it was a good thing.

I wanted to be on the board to help guide Truth Be Told to stability and success. And I was, for 2 years. It was demanding of me, and it's very satisfying in hindsight to look back at what I/we accomplished.

It was not a smooth road at all. Right after I came onto the board, one founder resigned. A wealthy donor had paid for six people to get expensive training in nonprofit fundraising, and all but one of those people left before we even had our first annual fundraiser! The turnover of board members was a churn. For a while, I was one of only three. Bobby, Keith, and me.

And I tell you, I am an unlikely member of anyone's board of directors. True, I do have a responsible job with the Legislative Budget Board, but when I retire in three years, I fully intend to become a free spirit--I'll be wearing yoga clothes every day, teaching yoga. I'll get some more tattoos, and I may even try dreadlocks with my long gray hair. And yet there I was, a board member with men in suits!

My vision was that Truth Be Told SHOULD be a nonprofit instead of a mission under the wing of a church. As a mission, the work would be labeled religious, whereas I saw it as more spiritual. Nonprofit status had more potential for expansion, and so I pushed for that.

My mission was to help Truth Be Told become a stable nonprofit. I saw what needed to happen: regular communication to supporters, a way to raise funds to support the work, and a clear vision.

I used the skills I had to develop and edit a quarterly newsletter, with columns by the founders, stories from the women, information about upcoming events, a wish list, and so on. This was a labor of love. If you can do something that's public on a regular basis over time, you create stability. The perception of stability is reassuring to prospective donors and volunteers. And Truth Be Told is now celebrating 5 years as a nonprofit, so I/we succeeded in that.

The other thing I did was develop a database of donors, supporters, and volunteers for Truth Be Told. I literally typed contact information from multiple Excel files into the database, so that we could do mass mailings and emailings, track donations, send out year-end IRS letters, and so on.

It was a lot of work, and I did it because it needed to be done. TBT couldn't afford to wait for the right person to come along and do these things, and so I became "the right person". And I eventually even had a volunteer to help with database entry work. Thanks, Judy Edwards!

After two years, I realized that my work as a board member was complete. We had had a successful fundraiser that allowed Truth Be Told to hire a much-needed part-time administrator (although truth be told, there is always a need for more financial support--the work demands more time than the admin gets paid for, and a paid volunteer coordinator would be awesome).

The database was and is continuing to grow, indicating new supporters are learning about it and wanting to help.

The founders and board had attended strategic planning meetings that resulted in clear directions for Truth Be Told to grow: to provide more support for the women after release and to be able to expand the programs and train others to take them into other prisons.

New board members came on board--young, energetic--and I was exhausted and needed to pull my resources back in and take care of myself, so I resigned.

Next: Truth Be Told part 3 (look for it tomorrow)!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Truth Be Told, part 1

Have you ever been part of something that made a difference in the lives of many? I have, and here's my story.

In 2002, my then-new friend Suzanne Armistead, whom I met through InterPlay, was talking about her volunteer work with women at the state prison in Lockhart. It sounded interesting, and when she invited me to come to the prison and witness a graduation ceremony, I signed up and went.

What I saw was probably one of the most heart-opening events I've ever had the grace to witness. Woman after woman, dressed in drab prison garb, came up and told her story to those of us who came to witness, about how she came to be in prison. Each one was so vulnerable, so authentic, and so brave, publicly coming to terms with their pasts to total strangers, pasts that were often full of a lack of resources, lack of good judgment, lack of support, lack of love. So much lack.

And yet, here they were, now part of a program that teaches public speaking, respectful listening, writing, movement, and creative skills to incarcerated women, a support that continues after their release from prison and back into society.

And the way they told their stories was as if they were not victims or perpetrators, but vulnerable AND strong! Strong, capable women who owned themselves and who were telling their pasts and claiming their own futures right in front of our eyes.

I don't believe there was a dry eye among the witnesses. The energy filling the prison gym was totally amazing and unexpected. We witnessed the human soul laid bare, struggling with pain and shame and suffering, and yet also present was hope for the future, amazing talent, beautiful smiles, shy giggles, rockin' hair styles, motivation, determination, and a very warm welcome for us visitors in one of the most sterile, unfriendly environments you can imagine.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

remembering dreams

When you dream, your eyes move rapidly. REM sleep is when dreams occur.

When you wake up and know you've dreamed but don't have memories of the content, here's what to do to remember:

INTEND to remember as much as you can.

MOVE YOUR EYES in all directions, as if you are searching for the dream memories and imagining where they could be. Up, down, left, right, center, diagonally, in random order. And move them fairly quickly, like 2 moves per second.

You are almost guaranteed to hit on something from the dream. It may be an image, a sound, words, a feeling, a movement. Keep doing it for a minute or two.

My hunch is that if you can gather enough fragments of the dream, the whole dream may suddenly bloom in your conscious mind!

If you experiment with this, please let me know your results.

waking up

I've been waking up in the mornings lately feeling really good. Not immediately jumping into monkey mind but lying in bed for a bit, savoring the experience of feeling good.

Not only does my body not hurt or feel stiff or tight anywhere most mornings, but I feel good emotionally as well. I feel well. I am a well being.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Come out from the shadow of your family tree!

Come out from the shadow of your family tree!

This Family Constellation Workshop cuts to the heart of generational issues,
shifting inner images from what is to what’s possible, transforming obstacles
into more health and well-being. Based on the work of Bert Hellinger, this workshop
offers a rare opportunity to uncover hidden patterns, healing past, present, and future generations.

Led by Judy Smith, who facilitates workshops and training in S. Africa and the U.S.
http://www.emotionalgenetics.com/index.html

Sat., July 18, 10-5 pm
Sun., July 19, 10-4 pm
NiaSpace
3212 S. Congress
Austin, TX

Cost: $325
$100 deposit
(or pay in full July 18)

Mail deposit to:
Mary Ann Reynolds
905 E. 2nd St.
Austin, TX 78702
512-507-4184
mareynolds@grandecom.net

CEUs available for MSWs, LPCs, and MFCs

Suggested preparation: Research your family going back three generations,
noting significant and traumatic events. Also you may read Berthold Ulsamer's
Healing Power of the Past, available on Amazon.com.

Questions? Call Judy at (903) 534-6263 or email her at info@emotionalgenetics.com.

Friday, June 19, 2009

repost of funny movies, people, and comedy sketches

I'm reposting this because it's summer and because I like to laugh. Also adding Hangover to the movie list--Lela says it's the funniest movie ever!

To avoid having to reinvent the wheel every time someone asks about funny movies, I'm putting this list on my blog. It has my own favorites and favorites from Lela, John, Pauline, Keith, Keith's friend Tony, Alec, Spike, Elizabeth, Nicky, Kathleen, Clarita, and Zoe, so it covers a variety of tastes as to just what is funny.

I'll update it as I hear from more people and if my memory about a funny film that I've forgotten gets jogged. And okay, okay, I know a few of these are TV shows, but you can rent them at the video store or online same as movies.

Here are 98 funny films and 26 funny people that will hopefully make you laugh, or at least cheer you up:

The 40-Year-Old Virgin - Tony
48 Hours - John
A Fish Called Wanda - Mary
All of Me - Pauline
Always - John
And Now for Something Completely Different - Alec
Annie Hall - Mary
As You Like It - Pauline
Back to the Future 1 - John
Being There - Mary, Pauline
Best of Saturday Night Live - John
Beverly Hills Cop - John
The Big Lebowski - Mary
Blazing Saddles - Mary, John, Kathleen
The Blues Brothers - John
Brain Donors - Alec
Bruce Almighty - Alec
Bugs Bunny classics, especially What's Opera, Doc? - Mary
Caddyshack - John
City Lights - John
Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker - Zoe
The Dish (Australian) - Tony
Down and Out in Beverly Hills - Pauline
Dr. Strangelove - Mary
Duck Soup - Mary
Ed Wood - Mary
Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill - Mary
Fargo - Mary
Ferris Bueller's Day Off - John
The Fifth Element - John
Forget Paris - John
Galaxy Quest - John
Ghostbusters - John
The Gods Must Be Crazy - Kathleen
Gold Rush - John
The Goodbye Girl - John
The Great Race (old one, not the remake) - John
Groundhog Day - John, Mary, Tony
Hangover - Lela
Happy Feet - Pauline
Honey I Shrunk the Kids - Pauline
Idiocracy - Mary
The Incredible Shrinking Woman - Pauline
It Happened One Night - Mary
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (old one, not the remake) - John
The Jerk - Pauline
LA Story - John
Lethal Weapon II - John
Liar, Liar - Alec, Pauline
Life of Brian - John, Alec
The Little Children - Nicky
Little Miss Sunshine - Mary, Tony
The Little Rascals/Our Gang - John
Love & Death - John
M.A.S.H. - Mary
MASH (old TV show) - John
The Mask - Pauline
Modern Times - John
Moonlighting (old TV show) - John
The Monster (Italian) - Clarita [stars Roberto Benigni, need I say more?]
Monty Python and the Holy Grail - John, Alec, Spike
Monty Python's Flying Circus (old tv show) - John
Moonstruck - Mary, Clarita
Napoleon Dynamite - Spike
Nurse Betty - Nicky
O Brother Where Art Thou? - Mary
Office Space - Mary
Old screwball comedies: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screwball_comedy - John [It Happened One Night being the best]
Parenthood - John
Patch Adams - Alec
Pee-Wee's Big Adventure - John
Pee-Wee's Playhouse - John
The Pink Panther - Kathleen
Play It Again, Sam - John
The Princess Bride - Mary, Pauline
The Producers - Mary
Purple Rose of Cairo - John
Raising Arizona - Mary
Road Runner cartoons (pre-60s) - John
Roxanne - John
Saving Grace - Pauline
Shrek 1 - Mary, John, Pauline
Shrek 2 - Pauline
Singin' in the Rain - John
Sister Act - Mary
Sleeper - Mary
Some Like It Hot - Mary
South Park - Mary
Stalag 17 - John
The Sting - John
Stripes - John
The Tall Guy - Spike
There's Something About Mary - Mary, Tony
The Thin Man films - Mary
Tom & Jerry cartoons (pre-60s) - John
Tommy Boy - Tony
Trading Places - John, Pauline
True Lies - Pauline
Tootsie - Mary
Wedding Crashers - Clarita
What About Bob - Elizabeth
What Women Want - Mary, Pauline
What's Up Doc - John
When Harry Met Sally - Mary
Young Frankenstein - Mary
Zoolander - Spike

People who are funny:
Woody Allen - John
Lucille Ball - Pauline
Lewis Black - John
Victor Borge - Alec
Mel Brooks - Mary
Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig - Mary
Jim Carrey - Mary, Pauline
Charlie Chaplin - John
Ellen DeGeneres - John
Jackie Chan - Mary
Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean - Mary
Whoopi Goldberg - Mary
Cary Grant - Mary
Goldie Hawn - Pauline
Danny Kaye - Pauline
Larry the Cable Guy - John
Harold Lloyd - John
Steve Martin - Mary, Keith, John
The Marx Brothers - Mary
Larry Miller - John
Ninja Turtles - Pauline
Paula Poundstone - John
Chris Rock - Zoe
Jerry Seinfeld - John
Peter Sellers - Mary
Gene Wilder - Pauline
Robin Williams in concert - Alec

And last but certainly not least, I'm adding a link to the 50 greatest comedy sketches. Click the title of this post to view. Many of them have video clips. Thanks, John!

aahhh, juneteenth

i'm home today because it is an unusual state holiday, juneteeth, the anniversary of the slaves in texas finding out---THREE YEARS LATER---about lincoln's emancipation proclamation.

the 81st legislative session is over, ended june 1, and life is returning to normal, whatever that is. a special session is on the horizon so they can finish unfinished business, but right now i do not care one whig.

i am sooo grateful for this day off.

this past session, my third at the legislative budget board, was a hard one for people at my agency, and maybe people at other agencies, but especially at my agency, because two of my fellow employees DIED during the session.

in the 20-something years of institutional memory of my longer-tenured colleagues, this is the first time an active employee has died. and not just one active employee, but two.

was it a coincidence that these deaths came during the session? that is unanswerable unless you can read god's mind. but session are stressful, and that could have contributed...

one colleague died in april. he had a seizure and was in the hospital where a week later, on Easter Sunday, he had a fatal stroke. the medical professionals discovered after the fact that he had had a brain tumor.

i didn't know him well at all--we bumped into each other in the kitchen occasionally. i was told that in the period before the seizure, he complained about being tired. but who wasn't making that same complaint?

a month later, another colleague didn't come into work one day. no one answered when they called. a couple of people went to her home. they called the police, who entered and found her in bed, dead. she had had a heart attack in her sleep.

what was particularly hard about this death was that this woman was still working at 68, putting in time to be eligible for a retirement pension, saving her pennies for retirement, and SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY IT.

after my boss told me of her death, my second thought was "Way to go!" dying in yoru sleep is nice. and...you don't have to keep working under stressful conditions. reminds me of the humorous coffee mug with the statement, "I'm not calling in sick, I'm calling in dead".

don't get me wrong, there are perks, the main one being that i work in a pretty good office with a lot of really cool people, and we do get comp time for all that overtime we put in during sessions, so you get extra time off. if i use all my comp time and accrued vacation time this year, it adds up to about 7 paid weeks off from work. not bad.

the worst thing about the job is being at the mercy of the legislature's schedule, which is to meet from january through may in odd-numbered years and then do little in the interim. maybe have a special session or two, campaign for re-election, etc. that doesn't really affect me.

who came up with this crazy idea of meeting for 5 months every other year? my hunch is that way back when texas was first a state, the "founding fathers" decided that because it's such a big state, and there were no planes, trains, or automobiles, it would be efficient to condense legislation time so legislators could go back to their communities and farm, practice law, or do whatever else they did to make a living. (they still only get paid about $7 grand a year--yes, you do have to be rich to run the state government.)

so the schedule has been like that since 1845. and now we DO have planes, trains, and automobiles...

i ask you: people, does this make any sense? not to me it doesn't. count in deaths, stress, broken marriages, neglect of children, illness, exhaustion, nervous breakdowns, overtime and comp time, utilities from working late nights, etc., and it just doesn't seem very humane to me.

how do you change this? well. i asked. (you knew i would do that, right?)

this is what i learned. there would have to be a referendum, and the voters in texas would have to approve a change in the schedule. and that has been tried before, and the voters voted it down.

people, i'm asking you, if this ever comes up for a vote again, vote FOR change, not against it. i beg of you.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

rivers

The session ended June 1, and I took a 4-day weekend this past weekend. Visited a friend in San Antonio for a couple of days, checking out the new extension of the Riverwalk (go check it out--not as crowded as downtown), the San Antonio Museum of Art, and the Texas Folklife Festival.

Then we went out to the countryside to connect with green vistas and clear waters and clean air. First stop, Guadalupe State Park in Boerne. My first time there. The river is low and slow, but wonderful for lazy floating.

I spent a long time in my float watching the ripples of light bouncing off the water onto the underside of a large driftwood branch arching out of the river. It was so alive! I felt the presence of spirit very strongly.

Realization: Dead things are really not dead, they are alive because they still exist.

We traveled on to our cabin near Vanderpool, which was comfortable and came with a hammock and a skinny hungry mama cat and three kittens. We drove into Leakey for cat food and saw the most gorgeous sunset on the way back, with large wide rays (God's fingers) against the sharp edge of the hills.

I don't know for sure, but it seems like the biggest hills in the Hill Country might be right out there in Real County. So many "Steep Grade Sharp Curve signs, it reminded us of the road to Hana on Maui. Breathtaking views, too.

We drove a scenic route from Leakey to Camp Wood, followed the Nueces north and the Frio south. Not much water access but spectacular views--and most unexpectedly, we saw a pasture full of kangaroos! They were curious but didn't come too close. Even saw a large "baby" in its mother's pouch!

We also saw buffalo and several types of exotic herd animals.

Then on to Garner State Park and the Frio. South of the dam, it's deep. I got a good snorkel/swim in, really working my arms and shoulders and feeling it, AND not being sore afterwards (must be the yoga).

Lovely brilliant green cypress trees and buff limestone rocks at both rivers.

The trip was fun, refreshing, inspiring, and a great way to spend the time. I'm already thinking, "How can I do more river swimming and floating this summer, and avoid the noisy drunken crowds?"

poem: Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman (excerpt)

Love the earth and sun and the animals,
despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks,
stand up for the stupid and crazy,
devote your income and labor to others,
hate tyrants, argue not concerning God,
have patience and indulgence toward the people,
take off your hat to nothing known or unknown,
or to any man or number of men,
go freely with powerful uneducated persons,
and with the young, and with the mothers or families,
re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book,
and dismiss whatever insults your own soul;
and your very flesh shall be a great poem....


~ Walt Whitman ~

(from the Preface to Leaves of Grass, 1855 edition)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

poem: An Improvisation for Angular Momentum, by A.R. Ammons

i love the analogy and awareness of awareness here, that segues into pondering about the passage from life into death. i especially love the idea of the death mother shepherding us through.


Walking is like
imagination, a
single step
dissolves the circle
into motion; the eye here
and there rests
on a leaf,
gap, or ledge,
everything flowing
except where
sight touches seen:
stop, though, and
reality snaps back
in, locked hard,
forms sharply
themselves, bushbank,
dentree, phoneline,
definite, fixed,
the self, too, then
caught real, clouds
and wind melting
into their directions,
breaking around and
over, down and out,
motions profound,
alive, musical!

Perhaps the death mother like the birth mother
does not desert us but comes to tend
and produce us, to make room for us
and bear us tenderly, considerately,
through the gates, to see us through,
to ease our pains, quell our cries,
to hover over and nestle us, to deliver
us into the greatest, most enduring
peace, all the way past the bother of
recollection,
beyond the finework of frailty,
the mishmash house of the coming & going,
creation's fringes,
the eddies and curlicues

~ A.R. Ammons ~(Poetry, 1994)

Monday, May 11, 2009

the end is in sight

the legislative session ends on june 1, and i (one of many) am looking forward to it very much, to having more time and focus to communicate on this, my blog, to catch up on yard work and gardening, and most of all, the downtime i am craving.

what's so special about downtime?

for me, it's a chance to let my mind wander freely, unfocused on any specific task--unless my mind happens to come up with a task that is pleasing to me!

it's a chance to let my body rest and find its own rhythms between activity and receptivity, doing and being.

it's a chance to reconnect with nature--sunshine, fresh air, rain, clouds, sunrises, sunsets, birds, animals, insects (especially their awesome noises!), to tune into the changes through each day and the progression of seasons.

i'm looking forward to swimming in barton springs, to getting up early to beat the heat and enjoy the aura of early morning.

what about you? what do you like about having downtime?

poem: invisible work, by alison luterman

this is a great mother's day poem. real, not sentimental. enjoy!

Invisible Work

Because no one could ever praise me enough,
because I don't mean these poems only
but the unseen
unbelievable effort it takes to live
the life that goes on between them,
I think all the time about invisible work.
About the young mother on Welfare
I interviewed years ago,
who said, "It's hard.
You bring him to the park,
run rings around yourself keeping him safe,
cut hot dogs into bite-sized pieces for dinner,
and there's no one
to say what a good job you're doing,
how you were patient and loving
for the thousandth time even though you had a headache."
And I, who am used to feeling sorry for myself
because I am lonely,
when all the while,
as the Chippewa poem says, I am being carried
by great winds across the sky,
thought of the invisible work that stitches up the world day and night,
the slow, unglamorous work of healing,
the way worms in the garden
tunnel ceaselessly so the earth can breathe
and bees ransack this world into being,
while owls and poets stalk shadows,
our loneliest labors under the moon.

There are mothers
for everything, and the sea
is a mother too,
whispering and whispering to us
long after we have stopped listening.
I stopped and let myself lean
a moment, against the blue
shoulder of the air. The work
of my heart
is the work of the world's heart.
There is no other art.

~ Alison Luterman ~


(The Largest Possible Life)

Monday, April 20, 2009

gardening, not blogging

i have built 4 boxes for square foot gardens and filled 3 with soil and planted them. i've got a 4th box made, ready to be filled with soil and planted. it will have the really hot weather stuff--okra, corn, moon and stars watermelon, yellow squash, and a melon called charentais that i saw in the nichols catalog that looks similar to canteloupe and is supposedly delicious.

i check my garden before and after work. i water plants by hand using sun-warmed water (the chlorine has evaporated too, making it even better for my plants). i reuse plastic kitty litter containers and dip the water out with a bowl that holds about 8 ounces--just the right amount for a square foot. the plants seem to be responding quite well.

the recent rains haven't hurt either.

i've harvested about 8 strawberries from 4 plants, with more to come. i have eaten thinnings of green onions, spinach, and chard, and added homegrown dill, parsley, arugula, and a feathery mustard to salads.

this garden is giving me such pleasure! the 4x4' boxes are divided into 1' squares using a grid. i planted accordingly--either 1, 4, 9, or 16 plants/seeds per square, depending on the size of the mature plant. grids give these gardens a visual order. i notice the plants in each grid and am able to compare it in my memory to how it looked last time i viewed it. it helps me stay on top of things, like when the arugula needs to be pinched.

the third box, planted april 12, is really coming along! the natural gardener had no legume inoculant, so i planted both bush and pole beans without it. most of them sprouted anyway. it's easy to see where the holes are when you plant 9 beans per square, and i will probably wait a few more days to see if any late sprouters poke up through the soil before i plant replacements.

newly emerged seeds in that box include mammoth sunflowers, 3 kinds of pole beans (green, yellow, and purple), Romano bush beans, an early sweet corn, 3 colors of zucchini (light green, dark green, and yellow), and New Zealand spinach. i haven't grown that before. i also have Malabar spinach seeds to plant in the fourth box--they climb. i don't think NZ spinach climbs, but i shall find out!

the pole beans are planted so that they can climb up the corn and sunflowers! elsewhere i planted cucumber seeds around a sunflower seed, so they can climb it too. it's all an experiment--trial and error. i'm keeping a notebook so i can keep track of what does well.

other plants i haven't grown before include stevia and ground cherry, a nightshade with sweet fruit. can't wait to taste them! yes, i'm growing something i've never eaten! (well, i've eaten stevia before, but only processed.)

the soil mix is the same in each box: 3 10-gallon bags of Rose Magic from the natural gardener and an equal amount (by volume) of organic peat moss. i mixed "garden pep" (cottonseed meal from the natural gardener) in box 3. no wonder the new beans can grow 2" in a day! i now understand the origins of the jack and the beanstalk story!

i've got 2 kinds of spinach and red lettuce going. i'm going to try shade cloth over them for the first time to see if i can extend them into the hot summer. but if not, i also have spinach beet (a nichols novelty), chard, the NZ and malabar spinaches, amaranth (hin choy), lambsquarters, and sorrel to provide greens through the summer.

i bought transplants of miniature tomatoes and sweet peppers from seed savers exchange and have also planted transplants of eggplant (regular and japanese).

i imagine that at some point, i will have more food than i can eat. i've been hearing about wheatville's new "gro-op" program--don't know the details yet, but it sounds like it may provide a way to share the excesses of my garden and partake of others' bounty. if so, how cool is that?

i also am planning to plant some gourds to grow up trees and fences and provide me some new and interesting containers. dippers, bowls, birdhouses, bottles--many possibilities await.

i plan to have a separate flower garden just outside my back door with several kinds of sunflowers, zinnia, and marigolds, all good cutting flowers for the house, office, and giving away.

i'd still like to find some holy basil to make tea with.

so, that's how i've been spending my time this glorious month of april. gardening, not blogging.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

poem: From Blossoms, by Li-Young Lee

From Blossoms

From blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the joy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted Peaches.

From laden boughs, from hands,
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.

O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.

There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.

~ Li-Young Lee ~

(Rose)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

poem: To Begin With, the Sweet Grass, by Mary Oliver

she knows! so beautiful, so wise...


To Begin With, the Sweet Grass
(excerpt)

1.

Will the hungry ox stand in the field and not eat
of the sweet grass?
Will the owl bite off its own wings?
Will the lark forget to lift its body in the air or
forget to sing?
Will the rivers run upstream?

Behold, I say - behold
the reliability and the finery and the teachings
of this gritty earth gift.

2.

Eat bread and understand comfort.
Drink water, and understand delight.
Visit the garden where the scarlet trumpets
are opening their bodies for the hummingbirds
who are drinking the sweetness, who are
thrillingly gluttonous.

For one thing leads to another.
Soon you will notice how stones shine underfoot.
Eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in.

And someone's face, whom you love, will be as a star
both intimate and ultimate,
and you will be both heart-shaken and respectful.
And you will hear the air itself, like a beloved, whisper:
oh, let me, for a while longer, enter the two
beautiful bodies of your lungs.

7.

What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself.
Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to.
That was many years ago.
Since then I have gone out from my confinements,
though with difficulty.
I mean the ones that thought to rule my heart.
I cast them out, I put them on the mush pile.
They will be nourishment somehow (everything is nourishment
somehow or another).
And I have become the child of the clouds, and of hope.
I have become the friend of the enemy, whoever that is.
I have become older and, cherishing what I have learned,
I have become younger.

And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know?
Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.

~ Mary Oliver ~


(Evidence)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

sorry it's been so long

work is heating up. my first square foot garden is going well. 3 more to fill with soil and plant with summer veggies and herbs. may make a couple more boxes for flowers!

i just finished reading Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing by Jed McKenna.

current book: A Path with Heart, by Jack Kornfield, co-founder of Insight Meditation. Kornfield has more heart than McKenna, but both have valid information on spiritual enlightenment. Kornfield makes the process seem more worthwhile, though; McKenna focuses more on what he defines as the end of the process--nondual awareness. I do wonder what he'd have to say now, how he continued his growth.

both books are worthwhile reading.

sunday after a rainy morning reading in bed, i went out and took photos of art on the east side--paintings both commercial and decorative. will post soon.

lela is in europe, hannah is in branson, MO, kathleen is in orlando, going to cornwall in england tomorrow i believe.

and i'm here in austin.

poem: My Mind Was a Mirror, by Ernest Hyde

this poem reminds me of a process we experience as we grow older. awakening.

My mind was a mirror:
It saw what it saw, it knew what it knew.
In youth my mind was just a mirror
In a rapidly flying car,
Which catches and loses bits of the landscape.
Then in time
Great scratches were made on the mirror,
Letting the outside world come in,
And letting my inner self look out.
For this is the birth of the soul in sorrow,
A birth with gains and losses.
The mind sees the world as a thing apart,
And the soul makes the world at one with itself.
A mirror scratched reflects no image —
And this is the silence of wisdom.

~ Ernest Hyde ~

(Spoon River Anthology)

Monday, March 2, 2009

favorite modalities

referring to the long list of healing/energy/growth modalities listed in the previous post, i thought i'd list those that have made the most difference in my life.

some have become part of my lifestyle: yoga, meditation, acupuncture, journaling, food awareness, and dreamwork.

others have been tremendously helpful given situations peculiar to my life: waking the tiger for PTSD and NUCCA for scoliosis.

two are just fascinating--i have read books and learned a lot, and i would love to plunge into the depths--probably will when the stars are aligned right: Enneagram and LifePrints.

and then there's NLP. i've completed practitioner training and will soon start my master practitioner training. NLP has a huge body of work and is very practical. that makes it worthy of study.

not that there's anything wrong with the modalities i didn't mention here... these are just those i have resonated with the most. i feel grateful for all the experience.

experience

Today I was making a list of the various modalities I have at least some experience with for health, energy, awareness, personal growth, relating, and changework. I was shocked at how long it was!

I have either worked with trained practitioners, received training myself, attended classes/workshops/practice groups, read books or watched videos, or taught these modalities.

I'm going to start with the body-based and energy modalities. I excluded Pilates, snorkeling, kayaking, hiking, etc--practices that are for fitness and recreation only. This list is about healing, increasing awareness, improving energy. These practices can also affect mental/emotional state profoundly, since everything is connected:
massage (Swedish, Shiatsu, Thai)
traditional chiropractic
NUCCA chiropractic
cranio-sacral therapy
rolfing
acupuncture
osteopathy
zero balancing
Feldenkrais--one on one, Awareness Through Movement classes
Alexander Technique
physiosynthesis
yoga--mostly Iyengar, also at least one class in Sivananda, Integral, Anusara, Vinyasa Flow, Kundalini
breathwork
chakra work
Z-health
EFT
hands-on healing
Brain Gym

These are primarily dance-related:
5 rhythms
trance dance
contact improv

These involve food and nutrition and absorption:
candida clearing
diet--food sensitivities, pH, doshas
organ cleansing--colon, liver, gallbladder
fasting

These modalities are more about shifting state and changing patterns:
NLP (waaaayyy too much to list under this umbrella)
hypnosis/trancework
shamanic practices (journeying, Ha prayer, energy cleansing, yana chaqui, pico pico breathing, and more)
12 states of attention
nightwalking/peripheral walking
holographic repatterning
meditation
japalm/mantra
deeksha

These are therapeutic types of experiences:
therapy for PTSD/Waking the Tiger
re-evaluation counseling/co-counseling

These are systems for understanding types of people:
Enneagram
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Life Prints fingerprint analysis

And these are miscellaneous:
InterPlay
Tarot
astrology
journaling
dreamwork
hanging upside down
using a spine aligner
toning

There are probably more that I can't think of now.

I have spent a great deal of time and money obtaining most of these experiences. They have all been of benefit and a joy to experience. Some have become life practices. Some have been specific for a given situation. Some are occasional treats.

I'd like to put this life experience to good use. If you have a question about any of these or want a referral in Austin (a few in Dallas), please feel free to contact me.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

poem: For the Unknown Self, by John O'Donohue

I am loving John O'Donohue's poems more with each one I come across. Could he be writing about the third chakra here?


For the Unknown Self

So much of what delights and troubles you
Happens on a surface
You take for ground.
Your mind thinks your life alone,
Your eyes consider air your nearest neighbor,
Yet it seems that a little below your heart
There houses in you an unknown self
Who prefers the patterns of the dark
And is not persuaded by the eye's affection
Or caught by the flash of thought.

It is a self that enjoys contemplative patience
With all your unfolding expression,
Is never drawn to break into light
Though you entangle yourself in unworthiness
And misjudge what you do and who you are.

It presides within like an evening freedom
That will often see you enchanted by twilight
Without ever recognizing the falling night,
It resembles the under-earth of your visible life:
All you do and say and think is fostered
Deep in its opaque and prevenient clay.

It dwells in a strange, yet rhythmic ease
That is not ruffled by disappointment;
It presides in a deeper current of time
Free from the force of cause and sequence
That otherwise shapes your life.

Were it to break forth into day,
Its dark light might quench your mind,
For it knows how your primeval heart
Sisters every cell of your life
To all your known mind would avoid,

Thus it knows to dwell in you gently,
Offering you only discrete glimpses
Of how you construct your life.

At times, it will lead you strangely,
Magnetized by some resonance
That ambushes your vigilance.

It works most resolutely at night
As the poet who draws your dreams,
Creating for you many secret doors,
Decorated with pictures of your hunger;

It has the dignity of the angelic
That knows you to your roots,
Always awaiting your deeper befriending
To take you beyond the threshold of want,
Where all your diverse strainings
Can come to wholesome ease.

~ John O'Donohue ~


(To Bless the Space Between Us)

Monday, February 23, 2009

third visit for NUCCA--adjustment is holding!

Today I had my third visit to Back N Balance, to see how my body is responding to having my atlas adjusted.

Last week (week 2) my atlas needed readjusting.

This week I stayed adjusted! That's thrilling to me.

Dr. Lorenzen watched as I stood on the two-leg scale and my weight would shift slightly from side to side, just from standing straight. Then she used the activator to give gentle taps to my knees, hip joints, sacrum, and some vertebrae.

I am noticing when walking, how dominance can shift from one leg to the other. After my first NUCCA adjustment, I noticed that my left leg was dominant when walking, a major change.

Now I'm noticed dominance can shift, seemingly on its own. After walking, say, 50 steps, dominance switches from left to right. Then it may shift back to the left.

And sometimes...I feel exactly even, like neither leg is dominant.

Maybe that's how normal people feel??? I don't know what normal is.

I am also recognizing with deep gratitude how much my work with Patrice has helped prepare me for this. Hanging upside down gave me the experience of being pulled by gravity the other way and giving me mental flexibility. It also helped stretch tight muscles.

The Z-health foot stretches she taught me have also been phenomenal in giving me strong, flexible feet and ankles. Patrice's acupuncture and her coaching on yoga, nutrition, and organ cleansing have all helped get me much healthier. Her recommendation (and my practice) of meditation has helped me be more aware of energy flows and openings in my own body.

If after two weeks, my body is holding a newly realigned atlas that had been off center for at least 45 years, I must give thanks for Patrice and the work we have done together.

Friday, February 20, 2009

poem: The Night House, by Billy Collins

The Night House

Every day the body works in the fields of the world
mending a stone wall
or swinging a sickle through the tall grass --
the grass of civics, the grass of money --
and every night the body curls around itself
and listens for the soft bells of sleep.

But the heart is restless and rises
from the body in the middle of the night,
and leaves the trapezoidal bedroom
with its thick, pictureless walls
to sit by herself at the kitchen table
and heat some milk in a pan.

And the mind gets up too, puts on a robe
and goes downstairs, lights a cigarette,
and opens a book on engineering.
Even the conscience awakens
and roams from room to room in the dark,
darting away from every mirror like a strange fish.

And the soul is up on the roof
in her nightdress, straddling the ridge,
singing a song about the wildness of the sea
until the first rip of pink appears in the sky.
Then, they all will return to the sleeping body
the way a flock of birds settles back into a tree,

resuming their daily colloquy,
talking to each other or themselves
even through the heat of the long afternoons.
Which is why the body -- that house of voices --
sometimes puts down its metal tongs, its needle, or its pen
to stare into the distance,

to listen to all its names being called
before bending again to its labor.

~ Billy Collins ~

(Sailing Around the Room)

poem: Starlings in Winter, by Mary Oliver

Starlings in Winter

Chunky and noisy,
but with stars in their black feathers,
they spring from the telephone wire
and instantly

they are acrobats
in the freezing wind.
And now, in the theater of air,
they swing over buildings,

dipping and rising;
they float like one stippled star
that opens,
becomes for a moment fragmented,

then closes again;
and you watch
and you try
but you simply can’t imagine

how they do it
with no articulated instruction, no pause,
only the silent confirmation
that they are this notable thing,

this wheel of many parts, that can rise and spin
over and over again,
full of gorgeous life.

Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now
of grief, and of getting past it;

I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard. I want

to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Owls and Other Fantasies: Poems and Essays)

poem: Mind Wanting More, by Holly Hughes

Mind Wanting More

Only a beige slat of sun
above the horizon, like a shade pulled
not quite down. Otherwise,
clouds. Sea rippled here and
there. Birds reluctant to fly.
The mind wants a shaft of sun to
stir the grey porridge of clouds,
an osprey to stitch sea to sky
with its barred wings, some dramatic
music: a symphony, perhaps
a Chinese gong.

But the mind always
wants more than it has --
one more bright day of sun,
one more clear night in bed
with the moon; one more hour
to get the words right; one
more chance for the heart in hiding
to emerge from its thicket
in dried grasses -- as if this quiet day
with its tentative light weren't enough,
as if joy weren't strewn all around.

~ Holly Hughes ~
(American Zen A Gathering of Poets)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

poem: This Love, by Katie Raver

my dear friend katie wrote this. i can feel the influence of the weekend spent at buescher state park in celebration of my birthday, and the influence of rumi, whom she read to us that weekend, and yet katie makes it completely her own, an original poem.


This love has made me crazy.
I keep forgetting to rise up, to worry,
and I’m dancing around in meadows,
silly and stupid with your ecstasy.

Where were all these meadows before?

Next to you in the car,
the discord of lights and smog
becomes Spring itself.
All of humanity is on the same path, at the same time,
red lights guiding the way.

I only bother to sleep to hold
your hand in those unconscious moments.
Butterflies and moths fly out of my eyes.
Two trees use me as their telephone line.
I try to tell the man watering red hibiscus plants.
He gives me a round stone.

How can I explain this insanity?
I just follow the owl flying overhead,
downtown, at midday. Your eyes glisten,
you hold me close. I’m late again
for another meeting.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

family constellation workshop, july 18-19, 2009

FAMILY CONSTELLATION WORKSHOP with Judy Smith
July 18-19, 2009
Austin, TX (place and time TBA)
$375 ($100 nonrefundable deposit)

In this workshop we explore family generational patterns, hidden dynamics, and subconscious patterns, and heal the souls of our families, restoring the natural order of familial love. Family constellation work brings long-standing unresolved family issues to light and facilitates healthy resolutions, dissolves entanglements, and removes blocks.

Healing occurs on a deeply felt, energetic level, along with accessing a bigger picture of life situations. In this way, we positively enhance our own presence and that of future generations.

CEUs for MFTs, LPCs, and LCSWs available.

For information or to register, contact Mary Ann Reynolds at 512-507-4184 or email mareynolds@grandecom.net.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

innovations to 12 states of attention

katie raver has broken new ground working with the 12 states of attention with two innovations:

first, she has differentiated kinesthetic into tactile, visceral, and proprioceptive.

second, she has replaced the internal/external distinction into sensed and constructed.

she asks if these extra distinctions are really worth it. i like them, but it's a little more complex to teach to beginners.

you can read her post here: http://katieraver.blogspot.com/2009/02/more-states-of-attention.html

blog posts now available on Facebook

if you are one of my Facebook friends, you can now read my blog posts on Facebook. they will appear as notes. there's a delay after posting on Blogspot before they appear on Facebook.

you can also continue reading posts here. good for those who wish to be anonymous or who don't want to get into Facebook. surprisingly, i have several friends like that. they think it's going to be really demanding. you can put as much or as little as you want into it. and, like lots of stuff online, Facebook can be a time suck, for sure.

i plan to delete the poems i post on Blogspot from my Facebook notes. i save a lot of poems to my blog because i can easily find my favorite poems in one place. it's like an archive. i'm just not sure about posting them on Facebook. not everyone has a taste for poetry, or my taste in poetry.

Facebook friends, if you like poetry, check out my blog and let me know if we share the same taste.

testing

testing to see if Facebook imports blog posts

Monday, February 16, 2009

Samantha's birthday

My cat turned 20 last week. We don't know when her actual birthday is since we got her from the animal shelter. They said she was about 7 months old, so Lela and I counted back and decided we'd celebrate Feb. 12th as her birthday. Since it's also Lincoln's birthday, we named her Samantha Lincoln.

It's fantastic to realize that Samantha has lived with me for 20 years. That's longer than my child lived with me, longer than I lived with my parents.

Samantha holds the record for living with me. Twenty years.

Hannah made her a "cake" out of catfood and cat treats, and we gave her her gifts: a cushy fleecy round cat bed with a collapsible half-dome hood and a zipper underneath in which to place a bag of catnip.

I put this in front of her favorite window, where she can bathe in sunbeams and also see outside. She seems to love it.

I also got her a cardboard cat scratcher and sprinkled it with catnip. She likes it.

She isn't interested in the fishing toy with a feathery doodad on the end of the line. She practically sniffed and turned up her nose at it. She's no silly kitten any more.

All in all, a very good day in our life, and I was glad Hannah, who is animal-crazy, got to help me celebrate this milestone.

NUCCA 2

I had my second NUCCA treatment today. Dr. Lorenzen weighed me on the anetometer, which weighs each foot separately to see if one's weight is distributed evenly and also has calipers to measure each hip's height.

Last week, at first I was 10 pounds heavier on the left. When I finished, I was one pound to the left.

Today when I came in, I was 4 pounds heavier on the left, and .1 when we finished. Very very close to being perfectly symmetrical by weight. My pelvis was level both times.

She pressed on my atlas some more, and I heard some big clicks. I got an affirmation to say, while touching right atlas with right middle finger and left atlas with left index finger: "My atlas stays strong and stable."

She also recommended Valor essential oil from Young Living, which I will get.

I practiced walking at work today with putting attention on weight being evenly distributed between left foot and right foot. It seems I can direct this with my intent.

A young woman I know slightly was in the waiting room when I left. I asked if this was her first visit. Yes. She seemed a bit apprehensive. I told her that before treatment, because of my atlas being displaced, not all the messages between my brain and body were getting through, and now they are. She visibly seemed relieved.

I felt new sensations in my legs today. Meridians are opening up. It's all good, even if my neck is a bit sore now. I go back in one week.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

NUCCA

i had my initial exam and adjustment yesterday. NUCCA is a type of chiropractic care that focuses only on balancing the head on top of the spine. there is one office in texas, back n balance here in austin, with 4 NUCCA chiropractors. click title to go to their website.

dr. lorenzen (very young, cute, and well-trained) did an intake about health problems, concerns, and medical history.

she had me stand on a machine with calipers for measuring whether my pelvis was level. it wasn't. the machine also measured how much weight i carried on each foot. i was carrying 10% more weight on my left foot than right!

then 3 x-rays of my head and neck from different angles.

then dr. lorenzen read the x-rays and showed them to me. she had drawn lines with pencil to show where my center was and where it should be. my atlas (C1, the top vertebrae on which the cranium rests, next to brain stem) was 5 degrees to the left and 1 degree back.

then adjustments. lying on my right side, dr. lorenzen pressed on the atlas, which is accessible between the jaw and mastoid (bone behind the ear).

probably because it's been out of alignment for so long, she worked up a sweat! she pressed maybe 60 times total, and at least half the time i could hear a tiny click. she'd get up and have me walk and then measure again.

then two more x-rays, then resting in a recliner with a blanket over me. i fell asleep for i don't know how long.

it's considered out of network health care, so the $351 applies to my $500 deductible, and it's eligible for reimbursement from my medical flex spending account.

i'll do a followup visit in a week and continue until they're sure the new alignment is holding.

meanwhile, i am delighted. my neck and back feel freer of tension than ever. i'll be detoxing for awhile as my body releases toxins from the stress of being misaligned.

i'll keep posting on my blog as i continue to integrate this big change.

Monday, February 9, 2009

poem: Any Chance Meeting, by Rumi

mahalo to katie for sharing this poem. (katie knows i spend time looking for the shine)


In every gathering, in any chance meeting
on the street, there is a shine,
an elegance rising up.

Today I recognized that that jewel-like beauty
is the presence, our loving confusion,
the glow in which watery clay
gets brighter than fire,
the one we call the Friend.

poem: In the Beginning, by David Whyte

mahalo to keith for sharing this, who knows of my return from exile.


Sometimes simplicity rises
like a blossom of fire
from the white silk of your own skin.
You were there in the beginning
you heard the story, you heard the merciless
and tender words telling you where you had to go.
Exile is never easy and the journey
itself leaves a bitter taste. But then,
when you heard that voice, you had to go.
You couldn't sit by the fire, you couldn't live
so close to the flame of that compassion.
You had to go out in the world and make it your own
so you could come back with
that flame in your voice, saying listen...
this warmth, this unbearable light, this fearful love...
It is all here, it is all here.

happy birthday to me, to you, and the world

i'm getting my february blog posts started off right, with poetry. i've had in mind for days to post the two poems i just posted, and finally have a few moments to do just that...

this past weekend i celebrated my 56th birthday with friends. we stayed in cabins at buescher state park. linda decorated our cabin beautifully with colorful pareos, an altar, a lamp brought from home. she brought her new macbook. i gave her CDs to expand her music and spoken poetry collection with; we had a lot of fun with the built-in camera and photo software, making some cool photos of ourselves, such as the four goddesses, janus, holding the earth in her hands, burning man, etc. thank you linda!

katie made me a gluten-free birthday cake! this is the first time in years that i've had birthday cake. it's not quite the texture of wheat flour cake, but still very appreciated. katie gave me a gift of a new way of practicing states of attention, with an expansion of kinesthetic states. she gave me a card with bamboo on the cover and a rumi poem inside, which i'll post separately. she also brought a rumi book and read aloud from it. we passed the book around, taking turns reading aloud. when rumi comes to your birthday party, you know it's gonna be wonderful! also when katie comes, because she brought rumi. thank you katie!

keith brought both his accordion and his pennywhistle. we played together on our pennywhistles. he's much more experienced than i, and he's such a good teacher. i feel inspired to learn more, especially the plaintive songs that i love. keith also gave me the most exquisite card of a doorway, an apocheta as we call it, an opening, with a david whyte poem inside. i will post that poem separately. it deserves its own space. keith is a wonderful storyteller. he brought a book of native american stories and read one aloud from the native hawaiians, apt since so many of us have been to maui together. thank you keith!

kathleen came out saturday evening, surprising me, because i thought she wasn't coming. she regaled us with stories of pursuing her path and shared her clear presence with us. she and i laid on the deck on sleeping bags sunday morning and caught up with each other. thank you kathleen!

these paragraphs and my thanks can hardly convey the depths of my experience of sharing the weekend with these friends in a setting of trees, lake, sky, bare branches, as we talked story, laughed, cooked, ate, walked, hugged.

i am blessed.

poem: Rebus, by Jane Hirshfield

You work with what you are given,
the red clay of grief,
the black clay of stubbornness going on after.
Clay that tastes of care or carelessness,
clay that smells of the bottoms of rivers or dust.

Each thought is a life you have lived or failed to live,
each word is a dish you have eaten or left on the table.
There are honeys so bitter
no one would willingly choose to take them.
The clay takes them: honey of weariness, honey of vanity,
honey of cruelty, fear.

This rebus - slip and stubbornness,
bottom of river, my own consumed life -
when will I learn to read it
plainly, slowly, uncolored by hope or desire?
Not to understand it, only to see.

As water given sugar sweetens, given salt grows salty,
we become our choices.
Each yes, each no continues,
this one a ladder, that one an anvil or cup.

The ladder leans into its darkness.
The anvil leans into its silence.
The cup sits empty.

How can I enter this question the clay has asked?


~ Jane Hirshfield ~

(Given Sugar, Given Salt)

(Rebus -- "A representation of words in the form of pictures or symbols, often presented as a puzzle.")

poem: Boundaries, by Lynn Ungar

The universe does not
revolve around you.
The stars and planets spinning
through the ballroom of space
dance with one another
quite outside of your small life.
You cannot hold gravity
or seasons; even air and water
inevitably evade your grasp.
Why not, then, let go?

You could move through time
like a shark through water,
neither restless or ceasing,
absorbed in and absorbing
the native element.
Why pretend you can do otherwise?
The world comes in at every pore,
mixes in your blood before
breath releases you into
the world again. Did you think
the fragile boundary of your skin
could build a wall?

Listen. Every molecule is humming
its particular pitch.
Of course you are a symphony.
Whose tune do you think
the planets are singing
as they dance?

~ Lynn Ungar ~

(Blessing the Bread)

as usual with poems from panhala, click the title to see it online, with a beautiful photo and music

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Margaret

This is the first part of my essay for the book Stricken: The 5,000 Stages of Grief. Click the title to go to it on Amazon.


Margaret

What is this resistance I have to going there again, procrastinating writing about my personal grief? What comes to mind is a scene from Beth Henley’s play Crimes of the Heart, made into a movie with Diane Keeton, Jessica Lange, and Sissy Spacek, in which Old Granddaddy has been dying for a long time, and the three Southern sisters have just been through so much—parental abandonment, suicide, sacrifice, numbing out, lies, neglect, loneliness, scandal, attempted murder, and gallons of too-sweet lemonade—that by the time they learn that Old Granddaddy has finally died, they burst out laughing.

An evening out with girlfriends, taking turns reading favorite Rumi poems on the patio of a Mexican restaurant and laughing a lot, will also do the trick.

Now I’m back home, facing it. So here it is: I am 54 years old, and I can tell you that without a doubt, the most grievous thing that happened in my life was the murder of my younger sister Margaret when I was 11 years old.

This is a story about trauma, about experiencing a loss that is so horrifying that I thought, “If this is what life is, I don’t want to be here.” I checked out in some ways. Yet here I am, years later, and, damn, that was a high price to pay. Never again.

So here’s the story. One day, right before she was to start first grade, Margaret went outside to play after lunch. She went down the street to visit a neighbor girl, but the girl was taking a nap and her mother told Margaret to come back later.

Margaret walked down the alley back towards our house. She met a 15-year-old neighbor boy whom none of my family knew, who was also walking down the alley, and they began walking together. That was the last anyone except that boy saw of Margaret alive.

I don’t know what all happened. I suspect he raped her, and she was not cooperative. Maybe she threatened to tell, her most powerful weapon with her older siblings. Whatever. He strangled her with electrical wire. He strangled her for a long time, the paper said afterwards. Then he put her body in a cardboard box and covered it with leaves and trash and closed the box and left it in the woods. The paper said that the police found a trail of blood leading from his garage across the alley into the woods. There was a photo of a policeman standing by a box in the woods at night. The paper also said that the boy told the police that she was still breathing when he put her into the box.

Margaret and I shared a room from the time she got out of the crib until that day. She had straight brown hair and big blue eyes and sucked her two middle fingers. She still wet the bed sometimes. She was also daring. She once looked up a nun’s habit to see her artificial leg, something none of us older children would have risked. The nun just laughed and later gave her a teddy bear. And Margaret was outgoing. She was the one who told her first grade class, gathered for a group photo at orientation, to say cheese. She couldn’t say her Rs, so if you asked her what her name was, you’d hear “Maw-gwet.”

Every year I remember her on her birthday, May 7. I count how old she’d be now, and I wonder what she’d be like if she had lived. Would we be close? Would we live in the same city? What would she have done with her life? Would she have married, would she have had children? What kind of work would she be doing? Would we like each other?

Sometimes she shows up in my dreams, always as a young child. I miss having a sister. I had one for 6 years.

When my daughter turned 7, I breathed a sigh of relief. When my granddaughter turned 7, my daughter and I both breathed sighs of relief. She made it past 6. Whew.

I also remember Margaret every year on her death day, September 4. That date is seared into my memory. I feel sad, and it passes. After 43 years, my grief has been reduced to feeling what a horrible shame it was that she died like that. She just happened to run into that boy on that day, and he just happened to be so unstable that he had a psychotic break and he killed her. I so wish that she had been able to die at peace, in the presence of love. I wish that for you, for me, and for everyone.

But there’s more to my grief than that.

stricken: the 5,000 stages of grief

Last night, Wed., Jan. 28, I participated in a book reading at BookPeople. The book is Stricken: The 5,000 Stages of Grief, published by Dalton. It's a collection of essays about grief, and several of the local essayists, including me, read from our essays.

Spike Gillespie, whom I met a couple of years ago, pulled me into this with her indefatigable energy. She's one of the co-editors.

So...grief isn't exactly a happy topic. I wondered who would come, if there would be much of a turnout besides the contributors and editors and folks from Dalton. Our society doesn't exactly embrace grief, and yet each one of us will experience loss and ultimately death.

I'm glad to say the turnout was good. The BookPeople staff had to bring down more chairs from the third floor to seat everyone.

I was in awe of some of the writers, and some of them were especially good at reading aloud.

I was just happy I got through my piece without breaking down. The loss of my sister is still emotional for me. I paused a couple of times to gather myself. I could hear the emotion in my voice and feel it on my face. It was so different reading aloud to people I mostly don't know than it was rehearsing by myself to figure out when 5 minutes was up.

Everyone who read had something to say that stuck with me. The biggest lesson is that grief is about love. Or maybe grief is love. It opens the heart, and in that sense, it is joyful and alive. What a paradox, huh? A Zen priest told a story about counseling a woman whose husband was so locked up after the death of their son that he couldn't be there for her when she had cancer. Surrendering to grief may seem fearful, but it's the only healthy way to move through it.

My friends Katie and Keith were there, and I am so grateful for their presence. I didn't go out of my way to invite people, out of fear that I might be inviting them to a bummed-out experience. They volunteered to come without any pressure on my part, and I'm glad they came.

I'm going to post separately the first part of my essay. To read the rest, buy the book! It's available for pre-order at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Stricken-5-000-Stages-Grief/dp/0981744362/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233278022&sr=1-2 It will be available in March.

There's also a social networking site for the book at http://strickenbygrief.ning.com/ where you can read and post comments.

There were funny parts to the evening, too. One was Spike, an inveterate knitter, telling us she'd just learned that stricken is the German word for knitting. Another was spying a chartreuse book cover with the title LOVE + SEX with ROBOTS and realizing it just wasn't going to be all sad.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

poem: follow your bliss, by joseph campbell

Joe Riley, manager of panhala.net, or someone put this together from the writings of Joseph Campbell. I like it a lot and want to share...
Mary


Follow Your Bliss

The divine manifestation is ubiquitous,
Only our eyes are not open to it.
Awe is what moves us forward.

Live from your own center.
The divine lives within you.
The separateness apparent in the world is secondary.
Beyond the world of opposites is an unseen,
but experienced, unity and identity in us all.

Today the planet is the only proper “in group.”
Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world.
We cannot cure the world of sorrows,
but we can choose to live in joy.

You must return with the bliss and integrate it.
The return is seeing the radiance is everywhere.
The world is a match for us.
We are a match for the world.
The spirit is the bouquet of nature.

Sanctify the place you are in.
Follow your bliss. . . .


~ Joseph Campbell ~

(Compiled from various writings of Joseph Campbell)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

vitamin D deficiency explained?

i heard a novel idea about why so many people are suffering from a vitamin D deficiency--even though so many foods are fortified with it.

we are too clean.

cholesterol on our skin is what interacts with sunlight to help the body manufacture vitamin D.

it takes 24-36 hours for cholesterol to reach the skin.

bathing removes it.

so--the point is, i guess, when you're dirty, let the sun shine on your skin!!!

new science: dirt and worms strengthen immune system

this article in today's NY Times (click title to read article) turns some conventional wisdom about hygiene on its head.

scientists are learning that babies putting everything in their mouths are actually educating their immune systems, which is like a blank slate at birth.

“Children raised in an ultraclean environment,” one researcher said, “are not being exposed to organisms that help them develop appropriate immune regulatory circuits.”

intestinal worms may be the biggest player in regulating appropriate immune system responses. scientists say they are mostly harmless in well-nourished people, that humans have adapted to them.

win argentina, introducing a certain kind of worm has reversed MS symptoms. in gambia, eradication of worms increased skin allergies in children.

our modern penchant for cleanliness may explain why allergies, asthma, MS, type 1 diabetes, IBS, crohn's, and other autoimmune problems and diseases have risen in the developed world.

no one is suggesting a return to filth, just hoping to increase awareness that there a price for too much cleanliness.

let children play barefoot in the dirt and have dogs and cats, they advise. soap and water are good enough, no need for antibacterial products.

Friday, January 23, 2009

poem: For Yaedi, by David Ignatow

For Yaedi

Looking out the window at the trees
and counting the leaves,
listening to a voice within
that tells me nothing is perfect
so why bother to try, I am thief
of my own time. When I die
I want it to be said that I wasted
hours in feeling absolutely useless
and enjoyed it, sensing my life
more strongly than when I worked at it.
Now I know myself from a stone
or a sledgehammer.

~ David Ignatow ~


(New and Collected Poems, 1970-1985)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

poem: Simple Gifts, by Joseph Brackett

'Tis the gift to be simple,
'tis the gift to be free,
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.

Refrain:

When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
'Til by turning, turning we come round right

'Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
'Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we'll all live together and we'll all learn to say,

Refrain:

'Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
'Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of "me",
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we'll all live together with a love that is real.

Refrain:

poem: Praise Song for the Day, by Elizabeth Alexander

here's the text of Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem:

Praise song for the day.

Each day we go about our business, walking past each other, catching each others' eyes or not, about to speak or speaking. All about us is noise. All about us is noise and bramble, thorn and din, each one of our ancestors on our tongues. Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.

A farmer considers the changing sky; A teacher says, "Take out your pencils. Begin."

We encounter each other in words, words spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways that mark the will of someone and then others who said, "I need to see what's on the other side; I know there's something better down the road."

We need to find a place where we are safe; We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain, that many have died for this day. Sing the names of the dead who brought us here, who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges, picked the cotton and the lettuce, built brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle; praise song for the day. Praise song for every hand-lettered sign; The figuring it out at kitchen tables.

Some live by "Love thy neighbor as thy self."

Others by first do no harm, or take no more than you need.

What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today's sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp -- praise song for walking forward in that light.

poem: I Have Come Into the World To See This, by Hafiz

I HAVE COME INTO THIS WORLD TO SEE THIS

I have come into this world to see this:
the sword drop from men's hands even at the height
of their arc of anger

because we have finally realized there is just one flesh to wound
and it is His - the Christ's, our
Beloved's.

I have come into this world to see this: all creatures hold hands as
we pass through this miraculous existence we share on the way
to even a greater being of soul,

a being of just ecstatic light,
forever entwined and at play
with Him.

I have come into this world to hear this:
every song the earth has sung since it was conceived in
the Divine's womb and began spinning from His wish,

every song by wing and fin and hoof,
every song by hill and field and tree and woman and child,
every song of stream and rock,
every song of tool and lyre and flute,
every song of gold and emerald
and fire,
every song the heart should cry with magnificent dignity
to know itself as
God:

for all other knowledge will leave us again in want and aching -
only imbibing the glorious Sun
will complete us.

I have come into this world to experience this:
men so true to love
they would rather die before speaking
an unkind word,

men so true their lives are His covenant -
the promise of
hope.

I have come into this world to see this:
the sword drop from men's hands
even at the height of their arc of rage

because we have finally realized
there is just one flesh
we can wound.

~ Hafiz ~
(Love Poems From God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West by Daniel Ladinsky)

this is a day the Lord hath made

and WE shall rejoice in it.

I heard Cicely Tyson say that when a camera crew found her sitting in a chair waiting for the inauguration to begin.

I watched the ceremony on a very large TV in one of our conference rooms at work, with a roomful of my colleagues. I brought a box of Kleenexes. I only used one, although I felt near sobs a couple of times.

I am pleased that Rick Warren did not focus on divisive issues. Obama's influence?

I am thrilled that Aretha Franklin sang My Country 'Tis of Thee. How regal was she in her gray hat! What a great choice to have her sing. I saw her a couple of years ago. Just an amazing presence.

I'm mentally ranking her version of that song up there with Ray Charles' version of God Bless America. Both are infused with such feeling.

The words of the Shaker hymn, "tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free," came to mind as I listened to Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma, and others play. The music was written by John Williams with a strong allusion Aaron Copeland's Appalachian Spring. I actually gasped when I recognized the hymn, when the clarinet began. It is just a divine piece of music. Will post the lyrics separately.

Even though it is mid-January, that piece is about the beginning of spring. Now for our country, now for our world.

And I am so grateful for the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas in Gaza. Spring, people! Israel finished withdrawing troops from Gaza in time for the inauguration.

Rev. Lowery with the cadences in his sermon, bringing smiles with his wordplay and the history of the civil rights movement to our consciousness.

The poet, Elizabeth Alexander, a DC resident, did a great job. I'm posting her poem separately.

Didn't Teddy Kennedy look good, considering the health problems he's had?

Obama's inaugural address was short, clear, serious, and uniting. Very well done.

Michelle Obama looked beautiful, and Malia and Sasha did very well, sitting through a ceremony like this--without even Nintendo to help them sit still!

The whole world is watching and sharing this day with us. India, England, France, Israel, Germany, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Kenya, the Vatican, Iraq... http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/21/world/europe/21reax.html?_r=1&hp

Friday, January 16, 2009

more on lucid dreaming and lucid awakening

a couple of weeks ago, i had a lucid dream in which i looked at my hands, looked away, and looked back at them. they had changed, so i knew i was lucid dreaming. i enjoyed knowing i was dreaming and looking around at my dream environment.

one of the things i wondered after having that dream was how "solid" things are in the dream world. if you can look, look away, look again, and see things differently, what does that mean? does it mean nothing is solid in the dream world?

earlier this week, i had another lucid dream. i didn't have to look at my hands. i was aware that i was in a place from my childhood, with a person who hadn't even been born then, and therefore i was dreaming.

in the dream, i tested my hypothesis. we were walking past a painted wooden structure. i touched the painted wood. it felt solid.

i saw a place where the paint was chipped away, and i began scraping more paint from that area with my fingernail. the bare wood felt solid, and i felt paint under my fingernail.

we walked on. i noticed even the air seemed alive with energy.

somehow, awareness that one is dreaming seems to make everything more vivid and vibrant. this can transfer to waking life!

since then, i have had several unexpected moments of seeing differently. today i walked to the clay pit for lunch. crossing lavaca, i glanced at the street's asphalt, and it was as if i had never really seen pavement before. it's a matrix of individual pieces of gravel embedded in tarry black stuff! it has a pattern and texture.

walking on 16th, i saw a feather on the sidewalk, just an ordinary gray pigeon feather. it seemed to have something extra to it, as if it had extra dimensions. it "jumped" at me energetically.

and so it goes... will report more when i have more to report!

virtual question: how can i feel even better today?

thanks to katie raver (ENFJ extraordinaire!) for suggesting i write about this. (this post is also posted on my facebook notes.)

today i am still feeling the consequences in my body of working a 70-hour week last week sitting at a computer under deadline pressure, so this request is timely since i have current actual experience and not just advice to share.

so...read this and apply it to your own issues. the structure is given here, along with examples of dealing with my own state.

the starting place is tuning in to your body. this means switching your attention from a Visual External Narrow focus to a Kinesthetic Internal Narrow focus. (see 12 States of Attention posts on my blog.) in other words, pay attention to each part of your body. notice sensations of pain, tightness, energy feeling stagnant or blocked, numbness, rigidity, breathing, heart rate, and so forth. notice whatever makes itself known to you at whatever level of sensitivity to your own body you have. the more aware you get, the more sensitive you become.

you could start with your head and work toward your feet, or go from most demanding to least. map where you are feeling okay and not so okay in every part of your body.

also notice the big picture (Kinesthetic Internal Broad). how are you sleeping? do you feel rested when you wake up? how at ease are you at various times throughout the day and doing various activities? what is your dominant energetic direction--towards, away from, expanded or contracted? how is your appetite--compulsive, craving, relaxed? are you enjoying your life experience? what are you feeling emotionally? what thoughts and feelings cross your inner movie screen? is this situation part of a pattern in your life and if so, when is it activated and when did it start?

if you are not at whatever your experience of optimal well-being is, you have magic to perform! (magic is what it may look like to others--magicians know it takes awareness, intent, and action.)

my intent is: i would like to transform this experience of suffering into learning how to maintain a great sense of well-being.

so where i like to start is what will make the most difference in the least amount of time. what would that be for you? trust your intuition and knowledge base on this, and be willing to experiment and learn.

my foremost experience was stiffness, tightness, soreness, numbness in the upper back part of my shoulders and the back of my neck. this part of my body was just screaming for relief. it was fairly constant, worse when i left work each day, maybe because i could fully tune into it. overall, it was a strong sense of contraction centered in the shoulders and neck.

i noticed that my meditation (when i was able to do it) was not as relaxed and deep as i prefer. i was not sleeping the night through, having more sugar cravings than usual, and fantasizing about quitting my job to go walking in the jungle, daydreaming about going to cuba.

here are some things i did to make a quick big difference to the sore places:
--lying flat in bed with a heating pad under my shoulder blades and neck
--stretching (arm circles, squeezing shoulder blades together)
--rolling head (instead of rolling it back as far as possible, stretch the front of your neck--it's better for your neck)
--having a massage therapist work on me
--applying arnica to the sore muscles
--hanging upside down to let gravity work in reverse
--draping this area over an exercise ball (back to ball) and rolling it around

activities for all-over relaxation included:
--taking a 30-minute warm bath with dr. singha's mustard bath
--shaking my body out all over
--going to bed early
--drinking lots of fluids and detox tea
--listen to a CD of coleman barks reading rumi, hafiz, and lalla, which shifts me into expansive right-brain awareness and opens my heart

another way of viewing "how i can feel even better today" is considering what changes you can make today and continue that over time will amount to a big difference, i.e., how i can feel even better tomorrow and in the future.

here are some things i did to change habitual patterns that got me into this situation--these have to do with how i interact with my immediate environment:
--inflate the exercise ball i sit on at work--they lose air slowly--this turned out to make a big difference!
--sit on ball with good posture and adjust my monitor's level and tilt for optimal viewing--another big difference
--consider whether i need a higher strength of reading glasses
--switch from regular mouse to roller-ball mouse
--pay attention to location of sitz bones and sternum when sitting--pull shoulder blades back and down
--set up appointments with myself in my email program to actually take a break mid-morning and mid-afternoon and use this time to walk, stretch, breathe, tune in, release muscle tension, focus my vision differently

and in becoming aware of unconscious beliefs (going wider and deeper), i looked at times in my life when i experienced stress like this and noticed beliefs that were active--"everything will come crashing down if i don't push myself really hard"--"no one else can do it but me"--"it (i) must be perfect"

i began to reframe beliefs thusly: i accomplish tasks AND take care of myself, both at the same time; i meet challenges with grace; healing, learning, growing energy is available in abundance; i am worthy of experiencing a sense of well-being all the time; perfection is a goal, not a demand; i deepen my awareness of well-being and move toward it every day.