what seems like a miracle to you?

we live on a planet with a blue sky. that startling truth is nothing short of miraculous to me.

water is amazing, just stunning to apprehend.

so is fire.

the whole cycle of plant and rock life that is the earth is a miracle.

all that goes unseen, connections, life force, intents, spirit. everything positively vibrates with energy if you slow down and consider it. too vast to comprehend, yet flowing through me.

i give. i surrender.

poem: miracle fair

click the title post to see the photo.

MIRACLE FAIR

The commonplace miracle:
that so many common miracles take place.

The usual miracles:
invisible dogs barking
in the dead of night.

One of many miracles:
a small and airy cloud
is able to upstage the massive moon.

Several miracles in one:
an alder is reflected in the water
and is reversed from left to right
and grows from crown to root
and never hits bottom
though the water isn't deep.

A run-of-the-mill miracle:
winds mild to moderate
turning gusty in storms.

A miracle in the first place:
cows will be cows.

Next but not least:
just this cherry orchard
from just this cherry pit.

A miracle minus top hat and tails:
fluttering white doves.

A miracle (what else can you call it):
the sun rose today at three fourteen a.m.
and will set tonight at one past eight.

A miracle that's lost on us:
the hand actually has fewer than six fingers
but still it's got more than four.

A miracle, just take a look around:
the inescapable earth.

An extra miracle, extra and ordinary:
the unthinkable
can be thought.


~ Wislawa Szymborska ~
(View With a Grain of Sand, translated by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh)

reading update

books recently finished:
emptiness dancing by adyashanti (a master zen teacher talks about awakening)
enneagram for the spirit by mary horsley (combines enneagram, meridians, yoga, and chakras)
your liver your lifeline by jack tips, ph.d. (just finished the liver/gallbladder cleanse in an appendix)

books in progress:
seven arrows by hymeyohsts storm (a beautiful book of native american stories)
the spiritual dimension of the enneagram by sandra maitri (amazing insights into the particular essences of each type and how to recover them)
the sacred power of huma: spirituality and shamanism in hawaii by rima a morell, ph.d. (an experience of huna by an anthropologist)

books waiting to be read:
the structure of magic ii by john grinder and richard bandler (NLP)
middlesex by jeffrey eugenides (a pulitzer-winning novel)
six months in the sandwich islands by isabella i bird (an account by an intrepid 19th century woman traveler when hawaii was independent)
goodbye to a river: a narrative by john graves (about a canoe trip on the soon-to-be-dammed brazos river)

dream: my boyfriend is a beatle

last night/early this morning i dreamed that one of the beatles was my boyfriend, and they were going to announce the break-up of the band the next day.

they were staying at the house of some wealthy man in california. it was a big handsome house. i arrived and was walking from the entrance to the big living room in the back of the house to find my boyfriend.

i was walking down a hallway and encountered two young women, hangers-on. they recognized me as a VIP and deferred to me as i passed them.

i got to the living room, and various people were lounging, some sitting on the sofa playing guitar, some talking, some smoking.

end of dream.

i believe it was george who was my boyfriend.

thoughts on dreaming

i've had a great interest in dreams for some time now. i want to remember them, i journal them, i even post some of them here on my blog. they can be pretty fascinating. i often wonder how the inner dream maker comes up with the stuff dreams are made of.

two things have come up for me about dreaming recently. one is the realization that if i have many dreams, as the experts say we do--4 to 5 per night--i don't remember most of them.

i started looking at the dreams i do remember. almost always there is something that seems bizarre or some intense emotion that makes them very memorable. this is "news of difference." so what about the rest of the dreams? i was curious what they were about and if i could remember some of them.

i became aware of waking and knowing that i had dreamed, but not having any memory of the dream. i knew that i had dreamed because i was aware that i had just experienced a shift in energy. every time, it was positive, in the sense that i felt more whole and at peace, as if some little inner tension had dissolved. not that it can only be positive. i'm tending to think now that the negative dreams tend to be more memorable and have stories to them.

this awareness of having dreamed with no memory of content happens frequently once you tune into it.

once i awoke and knew i'd dreamed and sensed a feeling of joy. i had a vague memory of people singing, dancing, and laughing. no story, apparently.

maybe the energy shift is the point, and the images are just by-products. or maybe they're equally valid.

that led me to wonder what dreams accomplish. i'm tending now to believe that their purpose is twofold, in the big picture: to keep our energies balanced and to heal us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. and sometimes to warn us, and sometimes to entertain us.

this is a working hypothesis, mind you. it can change. and if you're reading this and have anything to add, i welcome hearing from you.

habits of the heart

today i briefly saw a man whom i no longer have an active relationship with. i guess that's a good way to put it. not to relate is a choice i made because of a set of circumstances. we're both still here on this planet, so we have a relationship. that relationship just doesn't include verbal communication.

when i saw him in whole foods, sitting alone at one of the high round tables near the juice bar, reading a paper, my heart responded first. i glimpsed him and recognized him, and it was like my heart went "what a handsome man, and i know him!"

and then i quickly remembered the rest of the story. i averted my eyes, ordered my juice, paid, left.

i subscribe to "the daily OM" and this is what it had to say today:

Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Don’t Want To See

It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the things we don’t want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow...

i agreed internally when i read that, feeling willing to examine what i want to avoid.

i have avoided this man for a year after finding out he lied to me about something pretty important--and that he was a very, very good liar. accomplished. experienced. accustomed to it. it broke my heart when he told me he had lied to me. and when i got home and told KJ about it, and about how i haven't been interested in relationships since then, she said, "you don't have the heart for it." and it's true. i don't. i feel naive, vulnerable.

i've only seen him once before in all that time, briefly at a party, when we made eye contact and he made a face of--what? sorrow? regret?--and made it clear that he was going to honor the boundary i had set of no contact.

he probably saw me getting my juice, but he let me be. it might be awkward, so just let it go, let it go. and i'm okay with that. just processing here...

it surprised me, the heart reaction.

and i remembered something someone had told me about leaving a relationship with someone who had a personality disorder, that you could love him, but you couldn't trust him. and that's the case with this guy. i've forgiven him (i think), and i wish him well in his life. he can be a pretty great guy--i wasn't totally wrong about getting involved with him. it's just not practical in my opinion to try to relate to someone whom you know is a really good liar, because after that, anything they tell you is fair game for doubt.

i mentally tried it on, and it went like this. he tells me something, and doubt arises, and i think, "hmm. i wonder if that's true. i wonder if i can check that out with a third party. who can i check that out with?" and i go away instead of being present and trusting and loving. and that's not enjoyable. i want to enjoy my relationships, and trust is a pretty important ingredient in my opinion. why have relationships with people you can't trust if you don't have to?

i mined that relationship with 20-20 hindsight after i learned that he'd lied and withdrew. i could see signs in hindsight that i wasn't able or willing to see at the time. little things, such as him carrying a photo of his ex-girlfriend in his wallet. the incongruency of him saying he really wanted a girlfriend and that i was the only one he was interested in--but rarely being available on friday nights--he was dividing his time between me and her. seeing the book "how to lie to people" on his bookshelf and never dreaming he had used it as an instruction manual. the extreme way he compartmentalized his life, keeping his relationships separate and keeping friends and family in the dark about significant aspects of his life. the very brief response of "she didn't say anything" when i asked him how his ex responded when he told her he was dating me (and wondering now if he ever even told her, and understanding i will probably never know, and letting go of that.) his admiration for my integrity, which seemed like a compliment at the time, but later like he was telling me he lacked integrity himself.

i put a story together after the fact. i felt dumb, naive, vulnerable, betrayed. i wanted to avoid relationships for a while.

so the question now is, do i go into relationships looking for signs of the shadow? should i be suspicious from the start? do i recognize that the shadow will arise and go into it anyway? do i go into relationships trusting, with good will in my heart--and be willing to notice each time an incongruence arises and willing to question it? i like that. it's hard for a relationship to catch without the heart being open.

even after this experience, i value my innocence and trust.

poem: sojourns in the parallel world

Sojourns in the Parallel World

We live our lives of human passions,
cruelties, dreams, concepts,
crimes and the exercise of virtue
in and beside a world devoid
of our preoccupations, free
from apprehension -- though affected,
certainly, by our actions. A world
parallel to our own though overlapping.
We call it "Nature"; only reluctantly
admitting ourselves to be "Nature" too.
Whenever we lose track of our own obsessions,
our self-concerns, because we drift for a minute,
an hour even, of pure (almost pure)
response to that insouciant life:
cloud, bird, fox, the flow of light, the dancing
pilgrimage of water, vast stillness
of spellbound ephemerae on a lit windowpane,
animal voices, mineral hum, wind
conversing with rain, ocean with rock, stuttering
of fire to coal--then something tethered
in us, hobbled like a donkey on its patch
of gnawed grass and thistles, breaks free.
No one discovers
just where we've been, when we're caught up again
into our own sphere (where we must
return, indeed, to evolve our destinies)
-- but we have changed, a little.

~ Denise Levertov ~

(Sands of the Well)

article on olfaction

the sense of smell is the most mysterious of the five senses. read the latest on it in this article from today's NY times, by science writer natalie angier.

click the title of this post to go to the article. includes tips on how to cultivate your sense of smell.

gardening

in the spring, i sifted my compost pile and dumped the sifted compost into a pile in the middle of my backyard, which gets the most sun. i leveled it and planted stuff right in it: carrots, kale, lettuces, and spinach. just finished eating the carrots last week.

when these early spring crops were done, i planted herbs: lemongrass, 4 varieties of basil, then later, green bush beans. i put down a spiral of soaker hose.

it's definitely pesto time, and the beans are laden with tiny beans. will be making lemongrass tea as well, experimenting with using it in stir fries and curries.

a few weeks ago, i found a brief set of instructions online for creating a no-dig garden: layer 10-20 sheets of newspaper, 3 inches of alfalfa hay, 8 inches of straw, and 4 inches of compost. dust each layer with bone and blood meal and water it. plant right in the compost.

that's pretty inspiring! digging is extremely laborious, and renting a tiller is expensive. an easy way to create planting beds sounded like just the ticket for a fall garden. so i've been working on that--dreaming, planning, picking up supplies.

local tips: you can get free newspapers from ecology action, the recycling center at 9th and i-35. you'll have to dig in the paper recycling binds.

you can get bales of alfalfa hay and coastal hay at callahan's general store for $13 and $9 respectively. to get the right ratio, you probably need 3-4 bales of coastal hay to 1 bale of alfalfa hay. if you can keep it dry, it lasts for a long time, so you can just use what you need.

the natural gardener in oak hill has a variety of organic fertilizers and the best selection of veggie transplants i've seen, especially this time of year. i got feather meal in lieu of blood meal (which stinks), bone meal, and mineral mix, as well as a bale of pine needles. their acidity will eventually lower the pH of my soil. it's pretty alkaline in austin, though i haven't had my eastside loam tested.

i'm inspired by the garden at eastside cafe. i'd like to get some of that stiff fencing they use on some of their beds. it looks like sturdy wire panels, cut down to size. holds the layers in nicely. cutting the wire to fit looks labor-intensive, though, so i'm still checking this out. i need something 15 inches high. of course the no-dig garden will shrink rapidly but 15" will hold mulch in place. if anyone has any ideas, please comment!

this morning i mixed fertilizers to make enough for 100 square feet and fertilized the existing plants and planted the transplants i bought yesterday at the natural gardener--red- and green-stemmed malabar spinach, a patio tomato, two california wonder bell peppers, and italian parsley. i mulched it all with pine straw. i put layers of newspaper around the edges and covered that with coastal hay and watered, for a path that will suppress weeds and eventually become humus that i can turn onto the beds.

i feel satisfied when i look at it out my kitchen window now, and also dream of the future garden.

the travis county extension service has a list of proven varieties for austin and a vegetable garden planting calendar.

based on that, i just ordered seeds. i can plant kentucky wonder pole beans, straight eight cucumbers, amaranthus cruentis, and summer crookneck squash as soon as they arrive, in empty spaces in my existing garden.

i plan to have the no-dig extension of that bed ready for planting september 1. i ordered chioggia beets, scarlet nantes carrots, rhubarb chard, lolla rossa looseleaf lettuce, forellenschuss romaine, bloomsdale spinach, and evergreen white bunching onions, all for planting in september.

i'll also be buying heads of texas white and elephant garlic to plant and buying transplants of the brassicas: broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, chinese cabbage, cauliflower, collards, kale, and kohlrabi, or as many as i have room for.

i plan to visit boggy creek farm next weekend to check out what they're planting and selling, because they grow nontraditional varieties that do well in austin.

so i'm reactivating my gardening gene. it will be fun to make and watch the garden change. nature does the most elegant work!

most of the cost is up front, and i'll be eating from this garden for months. the experience, though, is priceless--the fresh air and exercise, the great organic food, the learning, and the sense of connection to the earth and its abundance and mystery. chow, y'all!

poem: life while-you-wait

Life While-You-Wait

Life While-You-Wait.
Performance without rehearsal.
Body without alterations.
Head without premeditation.

I know nothing of the role I play.
I only know it's mine. I can't exchange it.

I have to guess on the spot
just what this play's all about.

Ill-prepared for the privilege of living,
I can barely keep up with the pace that the action demands.
I improvise, although I loathe improvisation.
I trip at every step over my own ignorance.
I can't conceal my hayseed manners.
My instincts are for happy histrionics.
Stage fright makes excuses for me, which humiliate me more.
Extenuating circumstances strike me as cruel.

Words and impulses you can't take back,
stars you'll never get counted,
your character like a raincoat you button on the run ?
the pitiful results of all this unexpectedness.

If only I could just rehearse one Wednesday in advance,
or repeat a single Thursday that has passed!
But here comes Friday with a script I haven't seen.
Is it fair, I ask
(my voice a little hoarse,
since I couldn't even clear my throat offstage).

You'd be wrong to think that it's just a slapdash quiz
taken in makeshift accommodations. Oh no.
I'm standing on the set and I see how strong it is.
The props are surprisingly precise.
The machine rotating the stage has been around even longer.
The farthest galaxies have been turned on.
Oh no, there's no question, this must be the premiere.
And whatever I do
will become forever what I've done.

~ Wislawa Szymborska ~


(Poems New and Collected 1957-1997,
trans. S. Baranczak and C. Cavanagh)

click the title of this post to see the photo that accompanies this poem on panhala.