habits of the heart

today i briefly saw a man whom i no longer have an active relationship with. i guess that's a good way to put it. not to relate is a choice i made because of a set of circumstances. we're both still here on this planet, so we have a relationship. that relationship just doesn't include verbal communication.

when i saw him in whole foods, sitting alone at one of the high round tables near the juice bar, reading a paper, my heart responded first. i glimpsed him and recognized him, and it was like my heart went "what a handsome man, and i know him!"

and then i quickly remembered the rest of the story. i averted my eyes, ordered my juice, paid, left.

i subscribe to "the daily OM" and this is what it had to say today:

Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Don’t Want To See

It is one of life’s great paradoxes that the things we don’t want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow...

i agreed internally when i read that, feeling willing to examine what i want to avoid.

i have avoided this man for a year after finding out he lied to me about something pretty important--and that he was a very, very good liar. accomplished. experienced. accustomed to it. it broke my heart when he told me he had lied to me. and when i got home and told KJ about it, and about how i haven't been interested in relationships since then, she said, "you don't have the heart for it." and it's true. i don't. i feel naive, vulnerable.

i've only seen him once before in all that time, briefly at a party, when we made eye contact and he made a face of--what? sorrow? regret?--and made it clear that he was going to honor the boundary i had set of no contact.

he probably saw me getting my juice, but he let me be. it might be awkward, so just let it go, let it go. and i'm okay with that. just processing here...

it surprised me, the heart reaction.

and i remembered something someone had told me about leaving a relationship with someone who had a personality disorder, that you could love him, but you couldn't trust him. and that's the case with this guy. i've forgiven him (i think), and i wish him well in his life. he can be a pretty great guy--i wasn't totally wrong about getting involved with him. it's just not practical in my opinion to try to relate to someone whom you know is a really good liar, because after that, anything they tell you is fair game for doubt.

i mentally tried it on, and it went like this. he tells me something, and doubt arises, and i think, "hmm. i wonder if that's true. i wonder if i can check that out with a third party. who can i check that out with?" and i go away instead of being present and trusting and loving. and that's not enjoyable. i want to enjoy my relationships, and trust is a pretty important ingredient in my opinion. why have relationships with people you can't trust if you don't have to?

i mined that relationship with 20-20 hindsight after i learned that he'd lied and withdrew. i could see signs in hindsight that i wasn't able or willing to see at the time. little things, such as him carrying a photo of his ex-girlfriend in his wallet. the incongruency of him saying he really wanted a girlfriend and that i was the only one he was interested in--but rarely being available on friday nights--he was dividing his time between me and her. seeing the book "how to lie to people" on his bookshelf and never dreaming he had used it as an instruction manual. the extreme way he compartmentalized his life, keeping his relationships separate and keeping friends and family in the dark about significant aspects of his life. the very brief response of "she didn't say anything" when i asked him how his ex responded when he told her he was dating me (and wondering now if he ever even told her, and understanding i will probably never know, and letting go of that.) his admiration for my integrity, which seemed like a compliment at the time, but later like he was telling me he lacked integrity himself.

i put a story together after the fact. i felt dumb, naive, vulnerable, betrayed. i wanted to avoid relationships for a while.

so the question now is, do i go into relationships looking for signs of the shadow? should i be suspicious from the start? do i recognize that the shadow will arise and go into it anyway? do i go into relationships trusting, with good will in my heart--and be willing to notice each time an incongruence arises and willing to question it? i like that. it's hard for a relationship to catch without the heart being open.

even after this experience, i value my innocence and trust.