2009 in review--my job

at work, it was a legislative session year, my 3rd session in this job. i stayed busy the whole time, january through may, unlike previous sessions. in addition to publishing various versions of the budget as it wound its way through the legislative process, we tested new features for our software apps. i accumulated over 100 hours of comp time, a record for me.

i stayed healthy in my body during the session, because i made it a priority. yoga is my practice. i also meditated often. i became aware sooner when i began to hold stress in my body and consciously released it. this practice helped me maintain equanimity in an environment in which everyone around me was stressed and kept me feeling compassion for all. (although sometimes when i saw someone extremely stressed, i thought, "why don't you do yoga or sit in silence for a few minutes?," knowing that my question would NOT be well received).

i am the person at my agency who coordinates with eleanor harris, our massage therapist. eleanor came twice a week during session, and once a week after. i send out the massage emails and put out the sign-up sheets. people can sign up for as few as 10 minutes and as many as 30. eleanor got a lot of work during the session. she noticed aloud to me one day that when people's muscles are tight, they don't feel as much.

two people at my agency died during the session. one had a stroke and died a week later. the other had a heart attack in her sleep.

this is the first time any active employee has died in my place of work. it was very distressing to everyone. in a way, though, it brought us together in tender compassion for ourselves and the families of those who died.

i have come to consider that this job isn't just publishing the state budget, writing software instructions, etc., serving the state of texas by making its budget publicly available and thus preventing the kind of major government corruption often seen elsewhere in the world.

this job is just as much about managing stress. but they don't tell you that when you interview. you have to read between the lines.

we're lucky to have an aware and compassionate executive director who asked eleanor to offer massage at work in the first place and who weekly comes to one of her yoga classes. the agency also now has a wellness program, complete with an exercise room equipped with a stationary bicycle, treadmill, elliptical machine, VCR and workout videos, exercise balls, and small weights. and there are walking and stair-climbing groups to join as well as 3 yoga classes, salsa classes, and so forth available at lunchtime.

i notice that some people get massage, and some don't. some exercise, and some don't. it is truly up to the individual to figure out that part of their job is managing stress and then figure out what to do about it. we don't really get much education about stress--it's (pardon the pun) on-the-job training.

if i were the queen of the universe, i would bring stress out of the closet at work. i would bring in someone who could teach what is known about stress and the effects on the body, short-term and long-term, and how to differentiate between positive stress--the kind that challenges you to learn something new, do something better--and negative stress--the kind that diminishes performance.

i would give each person sessions with a personal coach so that they could become aware of stress in their bodies and find healthy strategies for relieving it, instead of overeating or eating junk food, drinking, or being unhappy all the time.

i'm not the queen of the universe, but at least i can have my say on this blog.

2009 blog posts

i look at my postings for 2009. started off strong in january and february, but since then, i've posted 2-5 times per month. i have not been a very good blogger in 2009.

part of that is my crazy job. i work at a texas state legislative agency, and when the legislature is in session (jan-may of odd-numbered years), it gets crazy, with periods of high pressure and overtime and being around a lot of people who are also stressed. it throws me off balance.

to cope, i hunker down with the goal of maintaining as much equanimity and compassion as i can. i listen to my bodymind and its needs for rest, relaxation, solitude, upliftment, renewal, funny movies, in my time off work. i can't make plans due to the unpredictable nature of the session's demands, so i tend to be more socially isolated during sessions. and i neglect my blog.

after sessions, it takes awhile to feel rebalanced. i'm not sure how long, actually. months. at least all summer for sure.

the other part of not being a very good blogger in 2009 is that i haven't really had a focus. i've just posted what i like and want to share, cottoning to the whole idea of blogging for selfish motives. if i post my favorite poems, interesting articles, dreams, and so forth, then i can find them again easily on my own blog. if post something that you, the reader, connect with, yay! and if you read my blog over time, you might get a sense of what i value and therefore a sense of me. hi there!

however, i myself tend not to look back, except at the end of the year, which is a relatively new habit in my 56 spins around the sun. i've realized that writing on my blog or in my journal or taking notes at a lecture or workshop is actually a way of putting a kinesthetic anchor on an experience, since writing is a physical act. (by the way, my journal is totally longhand.) it helps me know that "i like this" and can find it again if i wish to do so. i rarely look back at what i've written, except for practical reasons--to find phone numbers, email addresses, the name of a book or poem... besides that, the other motivation for blogging is feeling the satisfaction of sharing something that in my opinion is just wonderful. my tastes are often not mainstream, my joys are often experiences stumbled upon, the people who came up with these jewels in the first place are often vastly underappreciated.

so what is a blog good for? i'd say, reaching people with a common interest, sharing what's going on with those i know and don't have a chance to catch up with, serving as sort of a mirror (hazy at best) of my life. but i haven't really had a goal, like julie powell did in her blog, julie and julia, where she spent a year cooking her way through mastering the art of french cooking, now a major motion picture starring the goddess meryl streep!

in 2009, according to the monthly blog analytics statements i signed up for, the most blog visits i received was 126, and the least was 74. that's respectable and heartening to know. and...are you ready for it?...the months with the most visits were the months with the most posts. that's very clear! post often, and more people find and read you.

there's a bunch of other data like page views, pages viewed per visit, "bounce rate" (whatever that is), minutes spent viewing, and new visitors. but the above correlation is the one that counts.

soon this blog will change. it will have a focus in 2010. i intend to post as close to daily as i can. and i will still post the great poems and interesting articles i come across. stay tuned.

hongzhi quote

peg syverson, resident teacher at the appamada zendo, sent this quote from hongzhi last week. (i don't know who hongzhi is, male or female, probably chinese, but i have begun an association with the zendo, and signed up for a course on the diamond sutra with flint sparks, the other resident teacher at appamada, so eventually i will probably learn more about hongzhi.)

i found these words encouraging. although i have been meditating for 3-4 years now, i just now have made a commitment to sit in silent stillness daily (no matter what!) and to work with a teacher (peg).

The practice of true reality is simply to sit serenely in silent introspection. When you have fathomed this you cannot be turned around by external causes and conditions. This empty, wide open mind is subtly and correctly illuminating. Spacious and content, without confusion from inner thoughts of grasping, effectively overcome habitual behavior and realize the self that is not possessed by emotions. You must be broad-minded, whole without relying on others. Such upright independent spirit can begin not to pursue degrading situations. Here you can rest and become clean, pure, and lucid. Bright and penetrating, you can immediately return, accord, and respond to deal with events. Everything is unhindered, clouds gracefully floating up to the peaks, the moonlight glitteringly flowing down mountain streams. The entire place is brightly illuminated and spiritually transformed, totally unobstructed and clearly manifesting responsive interaction like box and lid or arrow points [meeting]. Continuing, cultivate and nourish yourself to enact maturity and achieve stability.

if enlightenment is the desired outcome

then the resource is awareness.

the intent is presence.

the strategy is commitment to daily sitting.

i love this poem by joy harjo, a map to the next world

maps have become my territory, and i'm adding this poem to my map collection.

thank you, joy harjo, for writing this, and thank you, joe riley, for panhala.net.

poem: Straight Talk from Fox, by Mary Oliver

mary oliver shape-shifted into a fox, hung out for awhile, and then she shape-shifted back into human form and wrote this poem. enjoy!

here's the link (with great photo!) if it doesn't come through: http://www.panhala.net/Archive/Straight_Talk_From_Fox.html

poem: Can You Imagine? by Mary Oliver

Can You Imagine?

For example, what the trees do
not only in lightening storms
or the watery dark of a summer's night
or under the white nets of winter
but now, and now, and now - whenever
we're not looking. Surely you can't imagine
they don't dance, from the root up, wishing
to travel a little, not cramped so much as wanting
a better view, or more sun, or just as avidly
more shade - surely you can't imagine they just
stand there loving every
minute of it, the birds or the emptiness, the dark rings
of the years slowly and without a sound
thickening, and nothing different unless the wind,
and then only in its own mood, comes
to visit, surely you can't imagine
patience, and happiness, like that.

~ Mary Oliver ~


(Long Life)

local giving

Before I got involved with Truth Be Told, my charitable giving was erratic. A few dollars here and there, all of course to great organizations doing good work, such as Sierra Club, NRDC, Planned Parenthood, and so on.

Since I first attended a Truth Be Told fundraiser 5 years ago, I have become a regular donor to TBT, giving monthly from my paycheck.

I like getting the statement each January of what I donated the previous years, which I use in filing my taxes. It adds up.

But what really makes me feel great is giving locally. My money stays in the community. Truth Be Told has one paid position, that of executive director, and it's a part-time position. All of the facilitators and facilitator trainees donate their time. The website and newsletter are maintained by volunteers. A volunteer coach works with the ED and founders as a labor of love. A volunteer provided the wonderful logo, and others have volunteered their services such as strategic planning.

My money goes to pay for the ED' salary, gas for their travel to the Lockhart prison and the Travis County State Jail, materials such as journals and pens for the inmates to use in the classes, postage, a phone line, P.O. box, graduation certificates, and so on. All these expenses add up, and I'm glad I can make a difference.

Best of all is that I get to meet the women who have graduated from Truth Be Told's classes at graduations in Lockhart (just went to my fourth last Friday), and those who have been released from prison who stay connected.

Each month TBT invites people to attend a talk, Behind and Beyond Bars, about their work, and a released graduate usually comes. Next one is this Tuesday--see their website (www.truth-be-told.org) for time and location.

And quite a few graduates will be attending the luncheon on October 7, sharing their stories of what TBT has meant to them. Some will use their gifts to perform. For them, TBT was a lifeline. And others will be on a video of a graduation that will be shown.

I hope you will consider attending.

Truth Be Told, part 3

As I mentioned in part 1, I fell in love with local nonprofit Truth Be Told when I attended a graduation of incarcerated women telling their stories in the Lockhart prison. In part 2, I wrote about how I volunteered and served on the board of directors for a couple of years and helped the organization gain stability and traction as a nonprofit.

Now I am listing several upcoming opportunities that Truth Be Told is offering--ways to witness the work, ask questions and learn more, and offer your support.

1. If you are interested in attending a graduation at the Lockhart prison, there are 4 openings left as of right now for the graduation on Friday, September 25. These 4 spots will go quickly. (I'll be there!) TDCJ limits attendance to 20 people. This is for graduates of Truth Be Told's entry-level classes.

If you are interested in attending, please email shannon_holtzendorf@yahoo.com or call 670-5354 ASAP!

If September 25 won't work, another graduation is scheduled for Friday, November 20. There are only 4 opportunities to attend a graduation per year. (Also, just letting you know, TDCJ requires your DL# and SS#. I haven't heard of any problems with sharing this data with TBT and TDCJ--it should be safe.)

2. An informational meeting, Behind and Beyond Bars, is scheduled for Wednesday, September 30. This is from 6-7 pm. You can meet founders, teachers, key players, including a graduate, and ask questions. I will post location info when I get it. Anyone can attend; RSVPs appreciated--email office@truth-be-told.org or call Shannon at 670-5354.

If you plan to go to the graduation or the fundraiser, attending this is recommended, because you may not have a chance at the more structured events to get to know the people involved and ask questions.

3. Truth Be Told's annual fundraiser luncheon, Light of a New Day, is scheduled for Wednesday, October 7, 12-1, at the Region XII Education Service Center, 5701 Springdale Road. This is definitely an RSVP event; if you are interested, please RSVP to me, and you can join me at my table!

This is a free luncheon. You will be asked to consider making a contribution, but it is not required and there's no minimum or maximum gift--Truth Be Told's job is to inspire you to want to give! You'll hear from the founders, graduates, board members, be entertained and moved, meet new people, watch a video from a graduation, and you WILL be inspired!

I'd love to see you there! You may bring friends and family, anyone you think would be interested--and we do need a head count, so RSVP for them too please.


I consider this one of the most worthwhile groups to which I am connected. It's local and therefore personal. TBT has a great and positive impact on the lives of incarcerated women behind and beyond bars, and that ripples out into the community and into the future, literally making the world a better place. I'd be honored to have you join me with you support in any way you are able.

Website: http://www.truth-be-told.org/

Truth Be Told, part 2

The ceremony made a deep impression because it seemed to me that what they were doing was REAL work, meaningful work, work that really mattered, that made a difference in the lives of the incarcerated women with whom they worked, giving them an opportunity and the social and emotional support to examine and change the direction of their lives. And THAT would then ripple out to their families, their communities, and the world.

Changing the world, one small group of incarcerated women at a time.

This was my understanding after I attended a graduation in the Lockhart prison of women who had completed Truth Be Told's beginning classes. It moved me so much, I was on fire to become part of Truth Be Told.

Continuing from part 1 of this post (on FB, go to my wall and view earlier notes to find it--I sent it Aug. 20).

I could relate to the imprisoned women. Who among us has not wondered how we got into some less-than-lovely circumstance? Who has not encountered a prison of their own making, even if it didn't have bars? Who has not yearned for the support and courage and guidance to really change their lives for the better? Who has not made mistakes?

So I volunteered. Since I worked days and the prison classes were on workdays, I found another way to participate. I was a liaison between Story Circle Network (women's writing circles) and the Truth Be Told students who wished to submit their stories to Story Circle Network's publications.

And while doing this, I noticed that organizationally, Truth Be Told was having growing pains. Started by three women who volunteered in the prison, the demand for their classes was surging. The warden had asked them to start another program for inmates who were nearing release, called Short-Timing. Many people who had attended a graduation or otherwise learned about their work wanted to help, and this up took a lot of their time.

Truth Be Told had gotten 501(3)c nonprofit status around the time I got connected, but it was mostly a piece of paper and a promise. Organizationally it was shaky. There was a board of directors, but no clear shared vision, just a consensus that it was a good thing.

I wanted to be on the board to help guide Truth Be Told to stability and success. And I was, for 2 years. It was demanding of me, and it's very satisfying in hindsight to look back at what I/we accomplished.

It was not a smooth road at all. Right after I came onto the board, one founder resigned. A wealthy donor had paid for six people to get expensive training in nonprofit fundraising, and all but one of those people left before we even had our first annual fundraiser! The turnover of board members was a churn. For a while, I was one of only three. Bobby, Keith, and me.

And I tell you, I am an unlikely member of anyone's board of directors. True, I do have a responsible job with the Legislative Budget Board, but when I retire in three years, I fully intend to become a free spirit--I'll be wearing yoga clothes every day, teaching yoga. I'll get some more tattoos, and I may even try dreadlocks with my long gray hair. And yet there I was, a board member with men in suits!

My vision was that Truth Be Told SHOULD be a nonprofit instead of a mission under the wing of a church. As a mission, the work would be labeled religious, whereas I saw it as more spiritual. Nonprofit status had more potential for expansion, and so I pushed for that.

My mission was to help Truth Be Told become a stable nonprofit. I saw what needed to happen: regular communication to supporters, a way to raise funds to support the work, and a clear vision.

I used the skills I had to develop and edit a quarterly newsletter, with columns by the founders, stories from the women, information about upcoming events, a wish list, and so on. This was a labor of love. If you can do something that's public on a regular basis over time, you create stability. The perception of stability is reassuring to prospective donors and volunteers. And Truth Be Told is now celebrating 5 years as a nonprofit, so I/we succeeded in that.

The other thing I did was develop a database of donors, supporters, and volunteers for Truth Be Told. I literally typed contact information from multiple Excel files into the database, so that we could do mass mailings and emailings, track donations, send out year-end IRS letters, and so on.

It was a lot of work, and I did it because it needed to be done. TBT couldn't afford to wait for the right person to come along and do these things, and so I became "the right person". And I eventually even had a volunteer to help with database entry work. Thanks, Judy Edwards!

After two years, I realized that my work as a board member was complete. We had had a successful fundraiser that allowed Truth Be Told to hire a much-needed part-time administrator (although truth be told, there is always a need for more financial support--the work demands more time than the admin gets paid for, and a paid volunteer coordinator would be awesome).

The database was and is continuing to grow, indicating new supporters are learning about it and wanting to help.

The founders and board had attended strategic planning meetings that resulted in clear directions for Truth Be Told to grow: to provide more support for the women after release and to be able to expand the programs and train others to take them into other prisons.

New board members came on board--young, energetic--and I was exhausted and needed to pull my resources back in and take care of myself, so I resigned.

Next: Truth Be Told part 3 (look for it tomorrow)!